Monday, December 26, 2011

Closing in on 2012

Seeing as how the holidays are slowly passing us by, I wanted to take a moment to think about the new year ahead and the one that we are putting behind us.  I would be lying if I said that 2011 was the best year of my life, that is not to say that there were not wonderful moments.  We had a wonderful trip to London and fell in love with a city that I could see us living in without any issues.  We embarked on the next chapter of our lives and became pregnant, and found that we really have never been happier in our relationship.  Those first few years were challenging and beautiful in so many ways, but I really feel that Paul and I have found our groove.  And I have never felt more in love and more committed than I do at this time.  

And then there have been the bumps in the road that no one saw coming, or could have prepared us for.  It was a shock to find out that my parents were seperating and to say it broke my heart, is the understatment of the year.  I looked to my parents as the tride and true guide to a happy, long marriage and to find out that there were cracks in the foundation, tested my faith in the sanctity of marriage, even my own.  But as I have come to find out, everyone has their own journey and sometimes you have to allow people to fall and make mistakes in order for there to be growth, even when you do not understand the reasoning.  I can say that this year has been one of transformation for myself and those closest to me.  For me, I have learned that I cannot control everything and letting go can be very freeing.  Who am I to decide what is best for others, I can only do that for myself.  And I have learned to be a better sister, daughter, wife and friend.  It takes so little to be there for someone, yet it gives back so much in return.  I would not give back the time that I have been able to spend with my sister and mom, that under different circumstances may not have been possible.  I love these two women more than life, and I have learned so much about them this year and believe that we are on a good path to something wonderful.

Leaving behind 2011 and embarking on 2012 is something I have been looking forward to for some time.  So many amazing things in the works for next year.  Katie and Rodger are getting married.  This is such a wonderful thing and I know that they make one another so very happy and I cannot wait for their big day.  Mom and I are planning the shower, the bachelorette weekend is in the works and then the wedding will be here before we know it. 

And then we have little Baby Madore joining us in the summer.  I cannot express in words how happy I am just talking about this, such joy.  I am excited and nervous and at times giddy, at the idea of having this little person that Paul and I created looking up at me and falling in love with every moment.  I was a late comer to the idea of motherhood and having a little one, but I feel like I am hitting my stride.  I cannot wait... For all of the wonderful moments to come!

So with that I say Happy New Year and Goodbye 2011!  Such great things awaite us just around the corner!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

A Small Announcement

I have been wanting to make this announcement for weeks and finally I feel like it is time to tell the world... Moe is going to be a big brother!  Yep, we are having a baby!!!!  We are beyond excited and cannot wait to share the good news with everyone.  The baby's birthday is July 7th and we are almost 12 weeks along and could not be happier. 

I was very anxious to be excited in the beginning, so as not to get my hopes up and get disapointed if this did not end up the way that we would hope.  But we are now far enough along, and after seeing the doctor yesterday and getting a clean bill of health, I cannot help but be down right giddy that we are having a baby.  And other than the sickness, the absolute lack of energy and an inability to keep a straight thought for more than 10 seconds, I would say that all is well.  We have met with the doctor a few times, done the ultrasounds, seen the baby growing from month to month, and now we are anxioulsy awaiting the moment when he or she reveals their gender to us.  Names are in the works... Many of which I love and Paul hates, but thankfully we have found some middle ground on a few.  .

I feel very lucky to have so many wonderful people around me to support and love Paul and me through this amazing journey.  And I cannot wait to embark on the many adventures that lay ahead of us.

(By the way, this is 11 weeks and 4 days... But not meant to be upside down, but cannot figure out why this photo will not upload correctly or let me rotate.  I am not skilled)

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Beyoncé - I Was Here (Live at Roseland)

I realize I am posting more videos than actual info on my life, but when my sister sent me this... I fell in love! This song is just so beautiful and so very fitting for this last year in my life and the life of the amazing people around me. We are so much stronger than we ever thought we could be and we have so much to give and though it can be hard to stay in the moment when the world is trying to drag you down, it can help to remember that you are only living when you live.

So this is my vow to live in the moment, be present, be thankful and never forget that I am alive and I want to live. I am here and I want it to be here for all the good, bad and just down right amazing moments that we are going to all embark on in the next year and for the rest of this life.

Love to all.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

SNL Kardashian Fairytale Divorce Parody - NOV 2011

I just had to post this... Not only is it good for a laugh, SNL was spot on with most of their parodies!

Loves it!

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

My Mister

I have been a T-Mobile true blue fan for over 10 years and though I grew up on cell phones with this service, I have been wanting to call it quits for some time.  But how do you say goodbye to someone who has seen you through it all... First calls, first dates, break-ups and so many amazing moments that even I cannot begin.  But it was time.  We have been having issues for a while now and it was time.  So last week I called up another provider, on the sly, and switched it over.  I know I should have at least told T-Mobile that we were on the outs, but I am a loser and going behind his back and letting my new friend, Verizon handle it was easier.

And so, now I am a Verizon customer.  But even better I am an official iPhone 4 owner!!!!  And can I just say, as someone who was totally hesitant and against the whole touch screen/finger print thing, I AM IN LOVE!  Someone asked me how I like my new phone and all I could think was that it was like having a lover, or a mistress, but for women, so I guess a mister?!?  It's all I think about and want to do (be with)... It really does feel bad too, cause when people are talking to me, I am really only thinking about this phone and checking out new aps or checking email or facebook.  I realize that this makes me a loser on some levels, but let's be real I don't care... I LOVE IT!

Monday, September 26, 2011

The Road to Motherhood

Now this is not the point on my blog where I announce that I have had a child or that I am even pregnant, it is merely me bringing up the fact that we have decided to welcome the idea of a baby into our lives.  Like all things in my life, I have approached this moment with all the gusto of someone training for the Olympics.  I have purchased a few books, one I might mention is What to Expect Before You Are Expecting... I know it's a bit much.  And I have tons of questions to pretty much anyone that will deal with a lady, who is not pregnant, asking about whether or not they pooped during delivery.  I have already freaked out about the fact that my little Moe will not be able to sleep in our room with the baby, HELLO SEPERATION ANXIETY... Well for me that is!  I feel like I am so OVER prepared that I am going to still be shocked when it happens and all the little moments that happen along the way.

But this is not to say that I am not over the moon with the idea that there could be a baby on the way soon.  I was worried that I would never get to this point, and now I feel antsy that it has not happened already!

Monday, August 8, 2011

My Heart is Heavy

Life is a funny thing, you think that you are doing great and then one little moment can send you back to the beginning.  A few months ago our family had a rather large shake up, well lets be honest it was a complete overhaul on a level none of us had ever experienced or expected.  It was rough and at times very overwhelming to think about where we were a year ago and where we might be a year from now, but we somehow managed to get from one day to the next.  Though navigating this new existence was hard on us all, it has also made the ladies in this family so much closer and might I add, stronger. 

But then one conversation, one incident, can bring it all back.  I never want to see my family hurt and to know that something that they had no choice in, is consuming them or making their life harder, it kills me.  I want to say that this will all be okay, and that we will all get through this, but how can I say that when I am not sure of that myself.  Knowing what to do, when you have never gone through any of this before, is so hard.  I just want to make this all better, but I can't.  Nothing I do or say will change any of this, and maybe that is what we all need to hear.  Maybe we all need to realize that none of this is within our control and the only thing that we can control is how we react to it.

All I want is for my family to know that I love them and that we all have to find a way to be happy, no matter how this all plays out.  There are so many wonderful things happening right now, it would be a shame to focus on the negative.


Saturday, July 30, 2011

My Closet, My Love

If you know me, you know that I pride myself on a certain sense of organization.  I like to have things in their place, put away so that I can access them at any moment, but I don't have to stare at them at all hours of the day.  I specifically love to make lists.  I make a to do list for the week, I make one for the day, and then I tend to have a couple of organizers going at once.  I am a nut!  There has to be a certain level of OCD to this, since it does bring a level of calm to my life, but regardless I refuse to change.

One amazing example of my need for organization and structure in my life, is my closet.  It is beautiful, well to me it is, because it is color coded and seperated into sections.  It brings me such joy, and so I share it with you.

The only unfortunate side effect of this afflication, is that I feel the need to clean not only my place all the time, but the places of people that I visit as well.  My poor sister tends to be the victim of my disease the most often... She is a good sport about it, but still how annoying must it be that every time someone comes over they want to clean your place. 

I guess there could be worse things...

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Farm Fresh

For quite some time, I have been hearing about the farming co-op and the produce boxes that you can pick up at locations near your home.  My girlfriend, Kelly has been a part of a farm co-op for a couple of years and I was always so jealous that she had something like that at her disposal.  And then it happened, after a weekend visiting Kelly in San Marcos, I came home and started researching farming co-op's available in North Orange County.  And I found one... It is Tanaka Farms in Irvine.  They have various options for produce pick-ups, but to start I went with the small box ($20) every other week.  We got our first one and I have to say I am a fan!

I went to Cal State Fullerton on my lunch hour to pick up the box and felt so good about myself and the way that I was supporting the local farmers.  I have to say that I am quite proud of myself...

I really hope that this is something that I will continue to do and that I can inspire others to look into this as well, just like my friend did for me!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

I Could Not Help Myself!

I cannot help but repost this... SO DAMN FUNNY!!!!

The following was a post from my sister from an exchange between her and my mom on AOL:

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Warm Hands

The following is an AIM exchange between my mom and I today.

CHEZNECK: did you hear gene simmons and the girlfriend may be breaking up
CHEZNECK: bad time for the playboy men
kmcree23: there not married?
CHEZNECK: no, but have been together forever and have two kids
kmcree23: oh i thought they were married
kmcree23: shocking he isnt loyal
CHEZNECK: i didn't tell you about my wierd experience at McDonalds today. I was sitting and this guy (maybe in his 30s) came up to me and asked how I was doing and shook my hand. I thought maybe he was handicapped so didn't think much about it, but then he bent down and touched my toes. Creeped me out
kmcree23: OMG
kmcree23: how could you not tell me this
kmcree23: what did you do
kmcree23: i am laughing so hard
CHEZNECK: maybe a foot fetish but not sure. who is the celeb with the foot fetish
kmcree23: rachael rays hubby
CHEZNECK: i left as soon as i was sure he was out of the parking lot. definitely not rachael rays husband
kmcree23: ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
CHEZNECK: now i have the convicts and the pervs after me
kmcree23: wth
CHEZNECK: i kind of feel like i was assaulted
kmcree23: thats so gross
kmcree23: yeah!!
kmcree23: did anyone see
CHEZNECK: i should have told the manger i think. I don't think anyone saw
kmcree23: eww
kmcree23: did he drive away or was he on "foot"
CHEZNECK: lol. i think he was driving
kmcree23: this is not good
CHEZNECK: kind of makes me want to not go back to Mcdonalds
kmcree23: did he walk away after he touched your foot
kmcree23: i wouldnt
CHEZNECK: yeah he just turned around, but kind of kept looking back at me.
kmcree23: oh god!!!
kmcree23: this is awful
CHEZNECK: seriously
kmcree23: kinda funny though right??
kmcree23: what did he look like
CHEZNECK: kind of average, dark haired with a cap and warm hands
kmcree23: if you had a blog this would be a great thing to post
kmcree23: with warm hands- hahahahahahahaha

Monday, June 13, 2011

Being Selfish

I have to admit that I have been super selfish lately.  I am in survival mode and because of that I feel that I have been neglecting a few things.  I have not worked out in forever and I am not eating all that well either, and to go one further I have been drinking more than I care to admit.  On top of that I have not been a good friend, which is super hard for me to admit.  I hate thinking that I was always there for my gals and I have been MIA for the last two months, with the exception of checking in just to make sure that there is nothing life changing going on with anyone else.  But even that I have been bad at.  One of my besties is preggers and I have not seen her in more than a month, which is super long for us.  And to top that, I am her sons Godmother and I have not seen him in months.  I can say, I am not being a good friend.  And my cousin's aunt on her mom's side passed away today from cancer, and I have not been there for her either. 

I just feel guilty and there is no way to get around that.  I feel like every little thing sends me into a tail spin and one email or text will ruin my day and thus take me out of life once again.  And I cannot continue like this.  So I am pledging today to refocus on the things that matter and the people in my life that have been there for me, like I need to be there for them!

You heard it here first, so I expect you to hold me to it! 

I am here.  For you!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

What I Learned From Oprah

And what I continue to learn from Oprah...

I love Oprah!  I am certain that so many people in this world can say this, but I have to say that the last month leading up to her final episode has made me really get it.  I love Oprah.  She is a healer, a listener, a woman, an inspirer, a giver and above all else a teacher.  Oprah has given back in so many ways, but the most amazing thing that she gave to me was understanding.  There is little in this world to make you have faith in people or humanity, but seeing how Oprah has helped so many and given so much, makes me know that there is still good in this world.  And there will continue to be good...

These are words from Oprah that resonate with me and will for as long as I live:

You are not alone.  You have the power to change your own life.

Be more of yourself. 

Everyday that I stood here, I knew that this was exactly where I was supposed to be.  Doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing.  (This one was HUGE for me.  I don't know that I know that I am where I am supposed to be, but I am determined to figure it out)

Each one of you has your own platform.  Mine is a stage and a studio and yours is where you are.  And that is where your power lies.  Everybody has a calling.  The power is the same.  You carry whatever it is that you are supposed to be doing, you carry that forward.  And don't waste anymore time.  Start embracing the life that is calling you and use your life to serve the world.

I see you, I hear you, and what you say matters to me.

Be still and know it.  God is Love.  God is Life.  And your life is always speaking to you.  First in whispers.  And if you don't pay attention to the whispers, it will get louder... What is whispering to you, is your life.  Your life is speaking to you, but will you hear it.

We often block our blessings because we do not feel that we are good enough.

What you have to say, matters to me.

Connect, embrace, liberate.  Love just one person, and spread that to two... See the difference that makes.

This show has taught that I am worthy because I am here. 


And until we meet again...

Anger - An Emotion I Am Familiar With

Anger is an emotion related to one's psychological interpretation of having been offended, wronged or denied and a tendency to undo that by retaliation.

Anger has been described as a pressure cooker; we can only apply pressure against our anger for a certain amount of time until it explodes. Anger may have physical correlates such as increased heart rate, blood pressure, and levels of adrenaline and noradrenaline.  Anger can have many physical and mental consequences.
The external expression of anger can be found in facial expressions, body language, physiological responses, and at times in public acts of aggression. The behaviors associated with anger are designed to warn aggressors to stop their threatening behavior. Rarely does a physical altercation occur without the prior expression of anger by at least one of the participants.
Modern psychologists view anger as a primary, natural, and mature emotion experienced by virtually all humans at times, and as something that has functional value for survival.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Greatest Women I Know

I know that I have mentioned this before, but I love my mom and sister.  They are such wonderful and amazing women and I cannot imagine my life without either one of them.  Got home from London yesterday, super jet lagged, but still wanted to make sure that I was able to see them as soon as possible.  So we went to dinner at Mimi's (YUMMMM...) and then I made them sit through a thousand pictures from London.  I am sure that they could have done without seeing as many as they did, but they were good sports.  And we chatted and hung out, and then I had to leave.  Not easy to do at times...

All I know is that some people are REALLY missing out on the good times that we tend to have...

Sunday, May 22, 2011

London Calling

Just got home from an amazing vacation in London... Did not have access to the blog, so I will be posting a delayed summary of all the fun we had.  Well once I get over this jet lag that is.

So glad to be home, missed my bed.  And my Moe!

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Julia and Tom

In case you missed it, Julia Roberts and Tom Hanks were on the Oprah Show.  And in the spirit of ending the show on a high note, it was AMAZING!  The true honesty and friendship that the two, let alone three of them share, was so inspiring and wonderful to see.  They seem like the most beautiful people who truly appreciate the life that they have and the people that are in it.  They speak so lovingly about one another, and about the loved ones in their lives. 

It was inspiring for me to see, and I highly recommend that everyone should at least check out the highlights on Very much worth the time.

I am very much going to miss Oprah showing up in my home every day, even if only for an hour.

Friday, April 29, 2011

No Words...

Usually I have too many words and today, I have none!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Still Here

"Never play hide-and-seek with the truth" - Madeliene Albright

Thursday, April 14, 2011


floun·der 1 (floundr)

intr.v. floun·dered, floun·der·ing, floun·ders

1. To make clumsy attempts to move or regain one's balance.

2. To move or act clumsily and in confusion. See Synonyms at blunder.

The act of floundering.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Pregnant in Heels

No,no... not my current situation, but rather my new favorite show.  I know that most people will hate me for this, but I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Bravo and I will most likely watch anything that comes on this network, but tonight I discovered "Pregnant in Heels".  Basically this show is about this chic named Rosie Pope who helps NY women, with too much money and WAY too much time on their hands, figure out how to handle the baby on the way.  And this help can come in many forms, such as how to name a baby or how to set up a nursery or what the heck happens once this child comes out of me...  I have to say that I am watching this show for the humor, but the prep course I need as well. 

In case you did not know this, I am 31 now and I guess that means that I should be heading down the baby road in the near future.  And maybe this is a sign that my biological clock is ticking, or something, but I am VERY MUCH loving this show.  I actually think that seeing these women freak out and act like lunatics, makes me feel so much better about myself.

So the point you ask... WATCH THIS SHOW!

I promise you will love it!

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Big Decision

Not sure how to break the news, but I am going to be 31 this year!  I know, I know comes as a shock to me as well, but alas it is true and I am going to be 31 years of age in one week.  Funny how excited I was to turn 30 and I was all ready to embrace my thirties and all that they had to offer, but now that I have to actually move into that era, I am not ready at all!!!!!

So I have decided to stay 30.  I just don't feel like I am where I thought that I would be at 31 and rather than admit failure, I am going to remain 30.  I think that is a totally reasonable resolution, don't you?!?  I was also considering going back to 29 and just reversing in years till I find one that suits me.  Totally acceptable option as well.  Or I could try and achieve all that needs to be done in one week.  Is that possible?!?  No, since one was to be debt free, and well that is not going to happen in 7 months, let alone 7 days.

I guess that the only suitable solution is to just hope that people forget that I have a birthday coming up and continue on as a 30 year old woman.  No one will even question that I have not had a birthday in more than a year, or that I look like I am aging, but not celebrating any birthdays!  I don't want to be old and I am not ready to be 31.  Pretty sure that I won't be able to keep up the charade for long, but I think that it is worth a try.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Embarrassing on so many levels!

To be totally honest, I am not sure why I am posting this, but I guess I figured why not.  So here goes...

Monday night I noticed that I was getting these sharps pains in my abdomen, that were shooting from the front to my back.  I assumed that it was just residual pain from a weekend in Vegas.  Oh yeah I went last weekend and drank a couple of meals, no judgement, it's VEGAS!  Anyways, I decided to just push past the pain and not mention anything to anyone, cause of course it was going to go away.

Well Thursday morning came, and I was still feeling the pain in my side and I noticed that I was not totally hungry and I was hardly eating anything when I did eat, but feeling full.  Not normally something I would complain about, since I am usually hungry all the time, but this was wierd.  So I called Kaiser to see about getting an appointment and they told me that they only had after hours care at 7pm and then one the next day at 9am.  I decided that I could wait till 9am, since hello I had been dealing with it since Monday, so why not!  When I went to tell my boss that I would be late, she mentioned that it sounded like my gallbladder and I should go as soon as possible.  Well I knew that it was not my gallbladder, since that is on the right side with my liver (thankfully it was not that as well), but her concern did make me nervous, so I called Kaiser back and switched to the 7pm appointment.

I am not sure if I have mentioned this before, but sometimes Paul can be so great.  I am not trying to say that he is not always great, but what I really mean is that is just such a good guy.  He was all about driving me to Kaiser, sitting with me in the waiting room, while tons of openly sick people breathed on us and then sitting through the urine test, the xrays and then waiting again in the sick people waiting room for the results.  So sweet, especially since we had not had dinner yet.  So after all the tests, trying to confirm whether I had a kidney stone (theory #1 in my mind) or if I was constipated (theory #1 in the doctors mind), we found out that I really just needed to poop.  Now the reason I say poop, is  because that is what the doctor kept saying in my appointment loud enough for everyone to hear through the doors. 

So in case you have not gone to the doctor before because you are backed up, let me tell you the best part... The xrays that are taken to prove that I do not have a kidney stone, can also be used to totally humiliate you, or as the doctor put it show me all the poop sitting inside me.  And let me tell you, it was bad!  I had no idea that a person could have that much junk up in them, and that I had to go to Kaiser at 7pm on a Thursday to find that out.  Needless to say the doctor "devised a plan," his words, not mine, to get me back on track.  And that is where I am now, sitting at home on a Friday, taking a really tasting laxative drink and just working this shit out, my words, not his.

I realize that this was way TMI, and probably the longest post I have ever posted and it is about poop, but thought that I had to share this moment with you all!  I am sure that you are glad you read this one through!

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Start of Wedding Season

As I mentioned in a previous post, my sister, Katie and her boyfriend Rodger got enagaged in Hawaii in Septemeber of 2010 and now they are planning the wedding.  After taking some time to consider the options, they have decided to get married on March 3rd, 2012 in Monrovia, California.  And today we went DRESS SHOPPING!  Besides getting the ring and setting the date, this is the biggest moment of the whole process... And the most fun! 

Katie received an email from David's Bridal that on February 10th they would be revealing the Vera Wang for David's Bridal Collection, simply called White, by Vera Wang.  And I have to say Katie must have been thrilled, cause she actually called me at like 10am a couple weeks ago on a Saturday morning to tell me about it.  And if you know Katie, you know she does not get up early for anyone or anything... But for Vera, well, who wouldn't. 

We arrived at the David's Bridal today to try on some gowns and let me say, that Vera did not disapoint.  Katie found a ton of dresses that looked amazing on her, but she fell in love with just one.  But isn't that how it is supposed to go, just like with how she found Rodger.

Though I cannot post a pic, in the chance that Rodger might log on and look at my lamo blog... I can say that it is beautiful and made more so by the lady wearing it.  She looks great, and she will be stunning on the big day!

So lets start the countdown to the big day, cause wedding season has begun!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

- e.e. cummings

Tuesday, January 18, 2011


It has been 18 days since January 1st and I am feeling good.  I don't want to pretend like the first week was not the hardest one I have had in recent history, but I made it.  I faced some challenges, but I feel like today I am in a place where I am not consumed by the thought of drinking and when I have a drink, I don't have the need to have another, as strongly as before. 

The goal was to get to a place where alcohol was an option not a guarantee and I really think that I am there.  I am proud of myself for breaking away from bad habits and forming new habits.  I have started eating right again and working out and overall I am in a much better place than where I was when 2010 ended.  I am strong and always have been, I just needed to get back to that place... AND I AM TRULY THERE!

This will be my last blog about this for a bit, because just like the alcohol, it needs to be something that is there but that I don't consume myself with at all times.

Thank for your support, it was much appreciated!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Day 5 - Not that I'm Counting or Anything

I am officially on Day 5 and lets just say it has not been super easy. 

Saturday was fine, mainly cause I had such an awful sinus infection that all I did was sleep all day, so not much thought spent on wanting a cocktail.  Then on Sunday it was going well till Paul wanted to eat at Canaletto, which is an amazing Italian restaurant in Newport, and we like to eat in the bar area.  We mainly eat in there because it is less crowded and they have these really nice tall tables, but also because it is the bar.  I like eating in the bar for two reasons, one because there is always tons to watch all around you and two, you can get a drink pretty quickly.  So in an effort to not be difficult and put Paul out during this process, we ate in the bar.  I thought I would be totally fine, but it bothered me.  I really like having a glass of wine there with my pizza or risotto and instead I got an Iced Tea.  I lived, but it was a little less fun than it was in the past.  At least it seemed that way then.

Monday was a work day and a work night.  By this I mean that when I work a full, stressful day at the sometimes lunatic, crazed place that I do, I like to have a glass of wine to unwind or forget that I work there.  But I did not.  And I lived through this as well.  But to be totally honest, I was in a crap mood and went to bed at like 8:30pm to feel less pathetic.

Tuesday was better and here we are on Wednesday.  I am fine.  Don't get me wrong I would have loved to have had a glass of wine with the tilapia dinner that I made, but I did not, I had Iced Tea.  By the way, Iced Tea is my new best friend.  I like soda occassionally and water is great, but lets be honest both of those can get old, so now I am drinking the Iced Tea like it is my job... Actually like it is wine. :0

So here we are on Day 5 and though I am somewhat consumed by this whole thing, I am sticking with it and just a few more weeks from now, I am going to be better than this... I am better than this!

Saturday, January 1, 2011

New Year, New Me

Started the year with some very good intentions, but ended up starting it as I spent the last year, or the last few for that matter, with a lie.  I lied to someone about something totally lame, even silly and now that it is out there, the guilt has settled in and so has the remorse.  I don't know how it starts, but once it does there is no stopping it.  That being said, I have decided that my New Years Resolution is to work on me.  I am going to stop lying to others and especially to myself, about everything.  I am going to be honest and address the things in my life that are not in line with where I really need them to be, or want them to be.

To start, I have been denying that the drinking is a problem for longer than I can remember, which is a bad sign all on it's own.  I have been telling myself that I have complete control and that I know what I am doing and if I wanted to, I could stop... But I guess that I just did not want to.  I think that I like it, a lot.  I don't know if I have ever had a normal relationship with alcohol, but months turn into years and here I am with what could have been a casual relationship, but is now a marriage.  We live and breath one another and it has to stop.  I feel like I am numbing myself to my life and using it to handle my anxiety and my control issues, and there is nothing normal about that. 

So this is where I openly and publicly put myself on blast, so to speak.  I want to gain control over my drinking and work myself to a point where I can have a glass of wine or a beer when the occassion calls for it, not just because it is dinner and I feel that wine goes with all meals.  I hate that I can't just say no, blame it on my lack of control or whatever but I need to get this under control.  I want to have certain things and certain relationships in my life, and right now I am putting those things off because it is easier to drown it all out.

The year may not have started off as wonderful as I would have liked, but that is not going to stop it from getting better.  It won't be easy, if it was I would not be struggling with this whole issue at all... But it will be worth it.  I want to do so many other things with my nights and weekends and I know that cutting out the booze will get me there.  So here starts the detox/lifestyle change. 

If you read this and think to yourself "it's about time," know that I agree but right now I don't know that I want to hear it.  Get back to me on this in a couple of weeks when I am past the initial struggle of all of this.

Happy New Years to everyone!  And wish me luck, I know that I am going to need it!