Monday, February 17, 2014

If We're Being Honest

I have been avoiding this post for some time.  For the most part, I don't have an issue with honesty.  If anything I have an issue with being too honest, especially when it comes to other people… But isn't that the case for everyone.  We always see in others their faults, the things that they can fix and rarely understand why they have such a hard time seeing it themselves.  But then when it comes to oneself, look out if anyone dare mention that there might something I could work on.  They must be delusional or blind or out of their minds to think that I might have a problem with something, or could work to be a better version of myself.

But alas I can no longer hide from my faults.  And that is a good thing.  I am human, I make mistakes and I am trying to learn and grow from them.  And today I sit before you and tell you that I have a problem with drinking.  I am hesitant to say alcoholic, as you can imagine for all the reasons that one would like to avoid such a label.  I don't know that I am there yet.  I don't know that I would even admit if I was, but I do know that I do not want to be there.  I like to drink.  I like wine, beer, vodka, all of it really.  And I have a very hard time saying no when presented with an option to have a drink.  But I am owning that now.  I don't want to be someone that can't go without a drink.  I don't want to be someone that has one to deal with life or just because it is Tuesday night.

Admitting that I can't be drinking like I was drinking was the first step.  It was a hard one, but necessary.  I have been good about it the last month or so, but it has not been easy and I am by no means saying that I have not had a drink or two.  But I do feel like I am gaining control and for me that is biggie.  I did not have control before.  For now, I am good.  And if it starts to go in a bad direction again, I will re-access and see if maybe I can't have alcohol in my life at all.

I hope that I am on the right path.  I still have a hard time picturing what this all looks like a few years down the road, but I do know what I don't want it to look like and that is a start. I have good examples to guide me.  People who have been there and done that, and came out on the other side better for it.  I am lucky that I am starting in a place where this is still an option, not one where the choice is being made for me.  And if for no other reason, I have to do this for Olivia.  She can never know me as anything other than her loving, amazing mother.