Saturday, January 1, 2011

New Year, New Me

Started the year with some very good intentions, but ended up starting it as I spent the last year, or the last few for that matter, with a lie.  I lied to someone about something totally lame, even silly and now that it is out there, the guilt has settled in and so has the remorse.  I don't know how it starts, but once it does there is no stopping it.  That being said, I have decided that my New Years Resolution is to work on me.  I am going to stop lying to others and especially to myself, about everything.  I am going to be honest and address the things in my life that are not in line with where I really need them to be, or want them to be.

To start, I have been denying that the drinking is a problem for longer than I can remember, which is a bad sign all on it's own.  I have been telling myself that I have complete control and that I know what I am doing and if I wanted to, I could stop... But I guess that I just did not want to.  I think that I like it, a lot.  I don't know if I have ever had a normal relationship with alcohol, but months turn into years and here I am with what could have been a casual relationship, but is now a marriage.  We live and breath one another and it has to stop.  I feel like I am numbing myself to my life and using it to handle my anxiety and my control issues, and there is nothing normal about that. 

So this is where I openly and publicly put myself on blast, so to speak.  I want to gain control over my drinking and work myself to a point where I can have a glass of wine or a beer when the occassion calls for it, not just because it is dinner and I feel that wine goes with all meals.  I hate that I can't just say no, blame it on my lack of control or whatever but I need to get this under control.  I want to have certain things and certain relationships in my life, and right now I am putting those things off because it is easier to drown it all out.

The year may not have started off as wonderful as I would have liked, but that is not going to stop it from getting better.  It won't be easy, if it was I would not be struggling with this whole issue at all... But it will be worth it.  I want to do so many other things with my nights and weekends and I know that cutting out the booze will get me there.  So here starts the detox/lifestyle change. 

If you read this and think to yourself "it's about time," know that I agree but right now I don't know that I want to hear it.  Get back to me on this in a couple of weeks when I am past the initial struggle of all of this.

Happy New Years to everyone!  And wish me luck, I know that I am going to need it!

2 comments:

Pam said...

I am wishing you luck and strength. If you need a shoulder to lean on, I am here. I will do my best to be understanding and supportive, I promise.

Jenn said...

I wish you luck and strength. I have been sober now for 2 1/2 years and my life has gotten exponentially better. If you need an ear to talk to or a shoulder to lean on, let me know. If I can do it, anyone can!