OOOPPPSSSS!

As I was taking Olivia's 5 month pictures today I realized that I failed to post her 4 month pics... What a loser I am!  Anyways better late than never...

Thanksgiving Thankfulness

Thanksgiving 2012 found us with my husband's family celebrating the holiday.  It was so nice to be in their new home and spend time with his mother and brother... But it made me realize how different things are now.  In other years we would go to my aunt's house and do dinner and then head to Grandma Creekmur's for dinner number 2 and though that always seemed so crazed and hectic, I desperatly missed that this year.  I miss my Grandma more than words and I find myself to be so sad these days.  There is so much loss and sadness, that it can be hard to breath at times.  I always thought of myself to be easy to adapt to change, but for some reason the amount that has been placed on me in the last year and a half seems rather overwhelming.

So I am trying to focus on the constants in my life.  The things that I am so very thankful for.  I have a great husband, who has turned into a wonderful father.  He is strong and loving and enhances my life in a way I never thought possible.  And then there is Olivia.  The best thing that I have ever done.  Such a surprise to see how much love I have to give and how happy she makes me.  Every day something new happens and she grows more and more and I am contstantly reminded that this is going to go by so fast and I need to enjoy every moment.  That really is the point of having children, that simple reminder that life is fleeting and to make the most of every moment.  I am learning so much from this little lady.

And then there is my family.  My mom, who is such a happy Grandma, is one of my best friends and I love her so much.  She is so strong and such a good person, how can I not want to be like her in everyway.  And my sister.  I don't think in a million words or years I could ever express how grateful I am for her.  She is a wonderful person and being her sister is truly a gift.  I am so happy that she has found a partner that allows her to be the unique and selfless person that we all know her to be.  And I am thankful for all the people in my family who have made me the person that I am today and continue to be a support to myself and to Olivia.  And to my dad, though time has changed us, I am happy to say that you were the best dad to me growing up, and I am who I am because of you. 

And to good friends, for which I am lucky to have, I say thank you.  I have never been one to have a ton of friends, but rather to have a few really good ones.  I am so thankful for Kelly, who answers all my questions about child rearing and what to do when Olivia is just too fussy for words.  I am so glad that through the years our friendship has grown stronger and I think of her as family.  And Katie, who is miles and miles away is such a great part of my life.  She is kind and loving and I always have such a great time with her.  We can be ourselves when we are together and when do see one another, it is like no time has passed.  I love that about us.

Above all else, I am just thankful for this life.  The people in it and the moments that we share.  I am so lucky and I wish a life like mine for everyone.  So thank you to each and every one of you who makes my life special.

No Time for Sadness

On Wednesday my grandma passed away.  She was a strong and opionionated lady, someone that I related to on so many levels.  Life was black and white for her and she loved as hard as anyone could, how can you not love someone like that.  And though this has been a very hard time for me and my family, I feel that I have not had the time to really process my feelings.  I have dived into work as a way of avoiding handling anything, using the excuse that with the new business deal in place there really is no time for sadness.  And it's sort of true.  There is so much going on at work, and the very real possibility that in a week I could be out of job, that I guess it's easy to get lost in everything else going on. 

But now that it is Saturday and I have some down time, I have time to recognize that I am sad.  Really sad.  In less than 3 months I have lost two people that have helped to shape my life in such a large way.  I feel such an imense amount of sadness for so many reasons and they all surround the idea of loss.  In August I lost Grandma Garrett and I find myself missing her more and more each day.  On Wednesday I lost my Grandma Creekmur and I know that my family will never be the same and there is only more loss to come from her passing.  And next week, I will lose the company that I have worked for for over 7 years.  It is being bought and there are no guarantees as to how myself or my department will fit into this new situation.  And even if somehow I make it out unscathed, there is going to be some fallout.  The president of the company and many others have already made thier intentions known that they will be gone.  It will be a new company with a new direction, and no guarantees.  With so much change in the last couple of years, I feel the walls closing in at times. 

But I have to stay strong and focused on the good and the positive all around me.  And there is plenty!!!

Long Time Gone

So I guess I have to be the first person to admit that this going back to work thing it sort of hard.  For one, where does the time go.  We get up at 6am and before I know it I am at work, then picking up Olivia and then home putting her to bed.  We get like 3 hours together if we are lucky, and let's be honest she can be sort of bear at night, so you imagine the fun we are having for those 3 hours.  I love this girl, but nights are not her thing.  Anyways, back to the issue at hand, my lack of time these days... Which is why I have not blogged in forever.  So much has happened in two weeks and no blogging, bad me.

To start, I went back to work which means that Olivia started day care.  We were really fortunate to find Nancy, one of Rob's (Paul's brother) very good friends.  She is watching other kids at her home, and has been working in some form of day care for years.  She is very kind, relaxed and honest.  I feel that we are very lucky to have someone looking after Olivia for most of the week, that seems to care about her well being as much as we do.  And then on Friday's my Mom comes down and watches O.  I am so happy that they get to have this time together.  Some of my favorite memories from childhood are those spent with my grandparents, so I know how much this is going to mean to Olivia in the future.  And my mom loves this time.  She is so happy to see her and so good with her... I wish that it could be every day, but keeping it limited makes it more special and less like babysitting.  I want them to be close and this is making that all possible.  I can see a very special relationship developing... Olivia loves her neema (not sure how you spell that).

So if Olivia is at day care and I am back at work, that must mean that Olivia is now 3 months.  Such a big girl is coming out of this baby.  I cannot believe that she can hold her head up, sleep for very long stretches of time and look at me with such recognition.  I have to say I think that she knows me, well at least knows that I am someone who loves her and is there for her.  It makes some of the long nights and fussy moments worth while.  And boy is she starting to have fussy moments.  Afternoons the last few days have been rough, she doesn't nap like she normally does, so she gets super tired and just cries.  It's awful, plus I'm certain that she is teething.  We got some gel last night and some teething tablets, which worked for like 10 minutes as long as you hold her.  I have a feeling that all those really easy, good baby moments are behind us and now the real work starts.  Good thing that she is so cute, otherwise.... Kidding.

Beyond all the changes in my personal life, work has had a major one as well.  My company was sold.  While I was on maternity leave, a company out of the UK has purchased our parent company and we were part of that deal.  In the beginning it was sureal, nothing that made a major impact in my life, mainly because I had been so removed from it all for three months.  But now that I have been back in the office for two weeks and I have seen the fallout from this sale.  We are official on November 1st and there are people already cleaning out their offices.  It doesn't take much to assume that certain changes are going to be made, but to see the President of your company cleaning out his office, before anything has really happened is just sad.  I know this cannot be easy for him, but what really bothers me is that it just gets everyone else nervous and sad and all around scared for thier jobs as well.  These are the leaders of our company, and they are acting like little children who because they did not win the game, are taking thier ball and going home.  The one reason I have stayed at my job for so many years is the respect that I have for the management, and it seems like the final weeks at Target may just go ahead and erase all that.  We may not have had a choice in the decision to sell the company, we do have a choice in how we deal with the decision.  I chose to come to work and do my job and stay positive, till they tell me otherwise.  And this is all I can do.

Okay so that is where we are at.  Caught up on a couple of weeks of blogging and life all in a couple of paragraphs, and I said I was too busy to blog. 

Everyone Loves Olivia

I know that I joke that people could care less about me showing up, as long as Olivia is there... But we are really lucky to have so many people that love her so much.  She is such a special girl and I so happy that people share that sentiment.

 Uncle Cory and Uncle Justin (technically second cousins).

Great Grandpa, Grandma, Mom and O (Love this one).

Auntie Katie and Uncle Matt

Great Grandpa and his girls!

Goodbye Summer

Well you wouldn't know it based on the 100 degree weather but fall is here and that means another summer has passed us by.  And it has been a pretty busy one.  There was a trip to Palm Springs, one grandmother in and out of the hospital a couple times, one grandmother passing away, my parents filing for divorce, oh and we had a baby.  So all in all a VERY busy summer, and I did not make it to the beach once.  Actually with it being so hot I barely made it out of the house most days.

I still cannot believe that my parents are actually getting divorced.  I know that after the last year and some I should be used to the idea, or at least better with it, but it's still so very odd.  In my day to day I am at peace with the direction that this is all going and has gone, but when I think about it as a whole I am still at a loss for words.  I see my dad, who really seems lost and not at all the happy person that you would think he should be, and that worries me.  And then I see my mom, who is so strong and I wonder if I would have that same strength if this was to happen to me.  I would hope so, but who knows.  Selfishly I wish that they were still together so that Olivia could have that example in her life, since it seems that there are so few relationships left to look up to these days.  And then I realize that this is what it is and maybe it is for the best.  She will get to know my mom as this strong single woman, who has come out on top.  And she will get to have a relationship with my dad that is thiers and theirs alone.  I love them both so very much and want only the best, since that is what they gave to me.

And then there was a death.  It's awful and strange to say it all at the same time, but my grandmother's death was in some ways a blessing.  She was unhappy and sad and has been ready to die for longer than any of us cared to admit.  I loved my grandma dearly, but I loved the grandma that I knew from so many years ago.  I was very fortunate to have her in my life as a support and cheerleader, but at some point she let the negativity get the best of her and stopped living.  I am sad for my mom and aunt and especially my grandpa, as it cannot be easy to lose someone that close to you.  But as with all things something great has come out of it.  My grandpa is now living with my aunt and my mom and aunt are able to get this wonderful relationship back with thier dad.  He is willing to live and wants do stuff and that makes me smile.  My grandpa was such a good husband to stand by grandma's side and do whatever she needed him to do.  I love that about him.  He is my example of what a good partner is and what I hope for Olivia some day.

I know I mentioned that we went to Palm Springs this summer, like it somehow compares to a birth, death and a divorce but it was a really big deal to me.  It was the first time that I had a night away from Olivia and a real night of sleep.  It was about 6 weeks after she was born and though it was too hot for her to go, I decided that I would hang out with the family for one night.  It was AMAZING!!!  I had a great time and it was the perfect way to refuel for the next 6 weeks.  I love my family and spending time with them always makes my day.

And the highlight of my summer... OLIVIA!!!  I love her so much.  She is such a doll and yesterday she laughed for the first time.  Now I should say that there have been tons of smiles and giggles at the faces that we make at her, but yesterday was a real laugh.  Paul was making some noise and she was just laughing it up in response.  It quite honestly made my day, maybe my week.  There is NOTHING, and I mean nothing like the sound of a child laughing.  And now we are down to my last week of maternity leave and I have to say it's a little bittersweet.  I am excited about work, but sad that I won't be able to hear that laugh all day.  But that just means that I have to make the most of my time with her.  So nights, the few hours that we will have together, and weekends are going to be me and Olivia time... Oh and Paul too.  Kidding.  By the way, in case I failed to mention this... Paul is a great dad.  I guess that is one more thing that happened this summer, I became a mom and Paul became a dad.  And a really good one.  I knew that I married a good partner for myself but now I know that I married a really good dad for my daughter.  I am very lucky!

Thank you to everyone for all your love and support over the last few months.  I would not have been able to make it without help. 

LOVE!

Better late than never...



Happy Two Months Lady!

Friday Nights

So we spent our Friday night watching "The Five Year Engagement" and smelling Olivia's binkie.  And yes we are wierdos and captured it on film.  I love that girl and even when I get two hours away from her I am smelling her blankets... We are definitely going to put this one in a zip lock and pull it out from time to time to remember the wonderful smell of our girl.

Only One More Month

Let the countdown begin... I go back to work in a month.  I have mixed feelings about this one.  On the one hand I am excited to get back to a normal routine and to a place where I am challenged intellectually, since lets be honest the most challenging part of my day right now is making up songs to sing and figuring out how I am going to fit in my pumping and naps around Olivia's schedule.  But then Olivia and I are just starting to really like one another.  She smiles at me and laughs at my singing and we have these wonderful naps together and I will miss them so much.  And I know that I am going to have only a few hours a day with her on the weekdays when she is not sleeping, and that will be rough.  I don't know how Paul handles it now, I would feel so left out if I was him... And I will be.  Someone else is going to get ther smiles and laughs and see her first moments of doing new things, and I will be at work dealing with the adult versions of immature children.  Oh wow I said I wanted to go back to work, right?!?  I do.  And I need to keep reminding myself that it is the best thing for both Olivia and I.  I know that I was not cut out to stay at home with her all day long, and hopefully this will be make me make the most of each and every moment with her.

Not only do I go back to work and have to leave Olivia, there is the little matter of having to fit back into my work clothes post pregnancy.  And sadly I think that this might be stressing me out more than leaving Olivia.  I was so excited to have lost 25 pounds in the first few weeks after delivering Olivia, but here we are a month later and I not lost a pound more.  And though that is fine since all I do is wear sweats and shorts most days, it will be a rather large issue come October 1.  So in an effort not to have to pull out the maternity wear when I go back to work, I am starting a diet and will actually start working out.  Don't get me wrong there have been a few failed attempts at working out in the last few weeks, but walking and doing yoga once a week won't really cut it at this point. 

Starting today, I am cutting out the carbs (when I can) and adding in more veggies and fruits and stopping all the regular soda drinking I have been doing.  And I will workout in one way or another for 30 minutes every day.  I have to lose at least 10 pounds before October 1 to feel good about fitting into some of my clothes.  My ultimate goal is to be below my pre-pregnancy weight by January 1.  I have to say I regreting all that crap that I ate during my pregnancy right about now.  I cannot believe that I gained 40 pounds and ate so much fast food, something I never thought that I would do... But oh well. 

This is right when I found out I was pregnant, so technically this is my before picture.

This is not cute, and was from about 6 weeks before Olivia was born.  I swore no one would ever see this one, but posting this will help keep me accountable and motivated to stick with the diet.

Wish me luck... October 1 is right around the corner!

This Week in Madore News...

So it has been a pretty long and trying couple of weeks and I never thought that I would be able to say that we spent time visiting two Grandma's in the hospital.  Grandma Garrett, as I called her, was admitted to the hospital on August 14th and passed away on the 17th.  I don't know that I want to say too much about this, as it is too hard to put into words how hard this whole thing was on my family and me.  But I will say that she was one of my favorite people growing up and being able to speak at her service was one of the greatest honors of my life.  I will miss my Grandma more than she will ever know or more than I am honestly willing to admit. 

And then Grandma Creekmur went into the hospital once a few weeks ago and again this week.  She has been having issues with muscle control and dehydration, making it hard for her to live alone and manage the normal daily activities without difficulty.  And with this last visit to the hospital she was diagnosed with Huntingtons Disease, which came as quite a surprise to all of us.  It's a genetic disorder that normally shows symptoms much earlier than late in life.  As odd as this was to hear, in some ways at least its nice to know that we might have an answer to what is going on with her.

Needless to say its been a rough couple of weeks.  And to top it Olivia had her two month shots today and though she managed to make it through it with some intense wailing, it seemed like she handled it like a champ... Till now.  She has been super fussy all night.  You cannot put her down and she is having a hard time finishing a bottle.  It's so sad.  Nothing we do works... But thankfully Paul is carrying her around trying to calm her, since that is not something I can handle.  I am just not good with the intense crying.  But then again who is really?!?

Yeah so that is what is going on here. 

Hello World!

We really love bathtime around here!  So cute!

I'll Have To Think About It

Six little words that have forever changed the future of a relationship in my life. 

Not enough words to express how disapointed I am in this person...

Life is fleeting

When I was younger, much younger like 15, I never imgained life ending.  I had no grasp of what the end would be like or when it would come, there was no need for thoughts like that.  Being young allows you the ignorance to do without thinking and to move without hesitating, and then you grow up.  You start to realize that life moves quickly, sometimes too quickly to even know how you got from point A to B.  People start to come and go and at some point you notice that years have gone by and you are already in your thirties... How did that happen?!?

In the last six weeks I have come to terms with how fleeting life can be.  One day you are in the bathroom taking a home pregnancy test and then you are in the hosptial welcoming the most beautiful person into the world and then you are deciding to put your spouse into a home.  Where does that time go?  And how do we make it slow down...  I know that there is no way to stop the clock, but making sure that I appreciate every moment of this life will surely help.  Almost six weeks have passed since we brought our little lady home and there have been some hard times, but I would do anything to make it slow down just a bit more.  She has already grown so much and in no time at all she will be off to day care and then college... No way I am ready for that.

Anyways the point to my random post about time moving too quickly is to say that I get it.  Took me 32 years but I get it.  Make every moment count and love the people that are with you and make sure that they know it.  Be happy, be nice and be honest.  Simple solutions for a very complex life.

Happy 1 Month Olivia!!

Sometimes you feel like a nut...

This was the email that I received this morning from my amazing cousin Matt...

Sooo...

You know how when it's your grandmas bday and you have to call her but she kinda semi-faked an illness and took three Valium to see her dr and u need to talk to her on the phone Bc at this rate it very likely could be her last bday and not really sure what to say? Like if u should say "gma I heard u took three Vamlium in a few hrs so maybe we shouldn't complain about being sick today?". No? That's not what it's like on every gmas bday? Just mine?  Ohhh. Didn't realize that was not normal....

This is just another reason that I love my family.  Somehow we all know we are thinking the same thing and trying out how to get out of it at the same time.

(Side note - I do realize that making fun of my Grandma under normal circumstances would be considered cruel, but thankfully she is not normal and will never read this, since she hates all things computers)

My husband is kind of great!

If you had asked me 24 hours ago what I thought of my husband, Paul I would have ripped into him like no other.  I was tired and overwhelmed and feeling just sorry for myself, something I have become really good at lately.  And the worst part is that none of it was true.  I was taking out my frustration on him and it was totally unjustified.  I was tired and in dire need of some time to myself, since the last three and a half weeks has meant some serious togetherness, which combined with a lack of sleep makes me not such a nice person.

But then last night in the middle of yet another breakdown, Paul said that he was going to sleep on the couch and keep the baby with him so I could sleep in the bedroom alone and get some real sleep.  At first I said that was silly and I felt like it was such a bad idea.  I just felt guilty for needing time alone and for my husband having to step up and handle it all, because I was clearly in no condition to do so.  But then I realized that I needed to finally let go of some amount of control and allow Paul to help.  And boy was it!  I slept from 12:30 to about 3:45, pumped, then went to sleep again till about 6:30.  It was like 5 or more hours of sleep and then Paul and I swapped.  He went into the room, slept till 10:30 and I slept out on the couch with Olivia till about that time as well.  It was one of the best nights of sleep I can remember, and it was just what I needed.

I have known that I married a great man for some time, but seeing him as a father has been the icing on the cake.  He is so good to her and is managing work, family and everything else so well.  His ability to juggle it all without losing his mind has been such a good example to me.  I love him and I know I picked the right guy!

My Love Hate Relationship with All Things Breastfeeding

I promise this will be my last post about breastfeeding.  To start we had Olivia's two week checkup and all is well.  She has gained a pound from her weight at birth and has grown half an inch.  This makes her almost in the 50th percentile in everything, which I guess is a good thing, you know if you like being average... ;)  We really like our pediatrician, Dr. Kan, she is young and spirited and we find that it is really easy to talk to her, which is always a bonus.  We discussed her breathing, which the Dr was a little concerned about and mentioned that we need to bone up on our CPR, just in case and watch her.  And there is nothing to be concerned about with regards to the bone on her chest, totally normal and the dimple on her back, it happens.  So yeah for little Olivia, she is thriving.

And then there was the appointment with the lactation consultation.  It was great, the exact opposite of what I thought it would be like.  I pictured them making me feel bad that we had been using bottles and a pacifier and for even just having to be there in the first place.  But that was not the case.  They asked me some questions about what we had been doing and what brought me there and then sat me in a chair and put Olivia on my breast.  It was the most simple and lovely thing and it made my day to see her latch on so quickly and look up at me so contently.  We connected and in that moment I knew why I was holding onto breastfeeding.  That look in her eyes that only we get to share, I wanted that and I was not ready to let that go.  So I left the clinic with tons of new info and a feeling of self worth and confidence about my new relationship with breastfeeding. 

I got home and told Paul all about it and how excited I was to have gone and how great the lady was and blah blah blah.   I was beaming!  Then Olivia and I took our afternoon nap together and at about 5pm she awoke ready to take another stab at breastfeeding.  So I got all set up and proceeded to do what the lactation consultant had shown me at the clinic.  And it did not work.  Not only did it not work, it was awful.  Olivia was clawing at me and fussing, something she had not done at the clinic, not once and I started to panic.  I kept trying to get her to latch the way she had earlier and it was not happening.  And then I started to cry.  Here was the moment that I had been waiting for and it was killing me.  I was in my own personal hell and all I wished for was that lady from the clinic to show up and help me.  It made me so upset that I had even bothered to see anyone about this, since I had already made the concession to pump and bottle feed. 

And so now I find myself giving Olivia a bottle, because my nipples are so sore again and I know that I can't take the rejection again.  So the new plan is to pump and try to breastfeed at least twice a day and see what happens.  I am not giving up totally but I do feel like I need to do what is right for us, and that is all I can do.

So Much Love

It has been only a couple of weeks and I LOVE LOVE LOVE this little lady!  She is such a joy.  I love the way she makes a million expressions while she sleeps and the sound of her farts, too cute!  I never imagined that something so small could take up this much room in my heart.

My absolute favorite thing is when she falls asleep on top of my chest.  She is such a little hot box and to feel her warm little body is pure joy.  It is literally the highlight of my day.  And then when she is waking up, she starts to make these little noises and stretch and it takes like 10 minutes for it to happen, but then she will look up at you and there is just this moment where you look into each others eyes and connect.  Amazing.

And on top of that, I am slowly coming to terms with the breastfeeding.  I have an appointment to meet with the lactation consultant tomorrow and depending on how that goes, we may move to just pumping and feeding with a bottle.  We have been doing more bottles this weekend, due to the fact that my nipples are sore and it hurts too much to have her breastfeed if she is not going to latch properly and I already feel less stressed.  I am not dreading the next feeding like I was when we were breastfeeding, and she is still getting all the essential nutrients from breast milk, just from a bottle instead of a breast.  For some reason I felt like I was failing by giving into the bottle, but I already feel better.  My sister said it best when she said that if this was going to be the only time that I have a child, I should be enjoying it as much as I can, rather than stressing over the little things.  And if nothing comes out of tomorrow, I am at peace with my decision and  will pump and feed my little lady with a bottle.  And all will be well. 

At the end of the day all that matters is that Olivia has a healthy and happy mother.  And that is what I plan to be.

Breastfeeding 101

If anyone tells me that breastfeeding is natural, I might die.  I get that it is the natural and right thing to do for my baby, but the idea that it comes naturally is dead wrong.  It is the hardest thing that I have ever done.  I had no idea how dificult this would be.  My entire day can be made or destroyed by the very fact that she may or may not get a good latch.  And here we are two weeks in and I am still having issues, and I just do not understand.  I respond to her hunger cues, let her eat as long as she wants, but something is not connecting.  She takes forever to get a good latch, like 8 minutes sometimes and when she does it hurts.  She is on the tip of the nipple and sucks so hard, I feel like they are going to fall off.  I am at a point where I honestly feel like giving up, but I know that this is the one thing that I am supposed to be able to provide for her that no one else can.  I would hate to have to do formula but I am not sure what other options we have if this does not get better.  Plus I am super emotional and cry whenever she does not get on or cries because she is hungry or frustrated. 

I made an appointment with a lactation consultant, to see if they can help out a bit... But if that does not help, I really do not know what options we have.  I want to be able to breastfeed my daughter for as long as possible, but since we are only two weeks in and I am already contemplating other options, I just don't know how that will be possible.

Birth Date Horoscope

My good friend Kelly made the below frame for Olivia and it included her horoscope from the day that she was born.  Ever since Cosmo magazine I have been reading horoscopes and for the most part they have all been dead on... Kidding.  But this one was perfect.  Sums it all up.

Today's Birthday (July 4) - YOU ARE THE ROCK FOR YOUR LOVED ONES THIS YEAR, and they will build their lives on your steadfast attention.  Because people trust you, you'll be promoted and well paid.  This month and October are the most lucrative.  You'll make a stellar arrangement in August.  Travel in November and June.  PISCES (me) and TAURUS (Paul) people adore you.  Your lucky numbers are: 49, 25, 4, 15, and 27.

Not so sure about the travel and her lucrative months, well except that I am slated to go back to work in October, so there will be more money where she is concerned.  But I do know that she has already become such a strong feature in this family.  Paul and I are thriving with this new addition to our lives, she has completed us.  And there is no limit to how much everyone loves her.  My mom, sister and aunt alone have shown more love for this little lady than most people receive in a lifetime.  She is so very lucky to have so many wonderful people in her life.  She has four great-grandparents, three grandparents, one aunty-grammy, one aunty, three uncles and an endless amount of extended family and friends and she is not even 2 weeks old. 

We consider ourselves to be so very lucky!

Happy 1 Week Birthday, Olivia!!!!

Olivia is now 1 week old!  Where did that week go?!?  Besides feeding, sleeping and changing diapers, we have done little else around here.  There have been a few rough moments, like me crying spontaneously for no real reason or snapping at Paul, who has done everything for us.  It's amazing how lack of sleep can effect you in the smallest way.  But then there are these wonderful moments of absolute joy, that make up for those overwhelming moments, and well they are way more important than anything else.  Even after one week, I know my life will never be the same.  She is such a joy, such a light and such a little spirit.  And even while I am typing this she is sleeping next to me, and that lovely little spirit just farted and pooped... And I have to say that I even smile at that.  What has happened to me!?!  Oh and that list of things to do when I was not pregnant, not even a concern.  Have not had a glass of wine, or sushi or anything else that was on there.  But then again I have only left the house once... I am sure some day they will happen, but for now this is FAR MORE IMPORTANT!

This is the first time that I was able to lay eyes on her.  It was amazing... And I will never forget how warm her cheeks were.  Love at first sight!

What a proud daddy!  Paul was so happy to be able to cut the cord and then hold her.  He will forever have those first moments with her, and it means so much to me that he was there to be the one to hold her and love her.

And this is the first time that I was able to hold her.  When we were in the recovery room, I was too drugged out to be comfortable holding her, so I waited till we were our room.  It was the most amazing moment.  And looking at this photo, I felt as drugged out as I apparently looked.  Oh my!

Happy Birthday Olivia!  Only one week old and already running this family.  And we wouldn't have it any other way!

Olivia's Birth Story

On Wednesday, July 4th our baby girl was born at 4:04 in the afternoon.  Her name is Olivia Hazel Madore and she was 6 pounds, 13 ounces and 20 inches long.  And this is her story.

On Tuesday, July 3rd I knew that I was not feeling as good as I had been during the day, but figured that working hard was catching up with me.  Came home and decided that cereal was about all I could handle for dinner and Paul knew that was never going to be enough for him, so he called his mom and they went to the Outback for dinner.  After the dinner of champions, I went into the bedroom to relax and try and get some rest.  At about 8:30 I felt like I needed to use the restroom, so I started to get up and then felt this gush of fluid come out and for a moment thought I had peed my pants.  I went to the bathroom, and at that point I knew that it was my water breaking.  Not wanting to freak out and just assume I was right, I found the number for Labor and Delivery at Kaiser and called to confirm what to do next.  The nurse on the line asked me a bunch of questions and said that we should head over to the hospital to get checked out.  Well too bad Paul was still not home...  So I called hime and of course he was driving and put me on speaker, so I knew that his mom could hear what I was about to say.  I asked when he was going to be home and he said that he was 10 to 15 away, and then asked why.  When I said that I think that my water broke, he sort of freaked and said he would be here in 10.

After a frantic couple of moments at home gathering all of our stuff, we headed to the hospital.  Checked into the labor and delivery triage and they quickly got me into a room so that we could figure out where I was at.  After a quick check, it was established that my water had in fact broken.  Fun fact, my water did not break all at once but continued to break pretty much for the next couple of hours... So you can imagine the feeling of liquid just leaking out of you with no way of stopping.  The mid-wife wanted to wait to examine me so as not to risk infection with too many exams just to find out where I was at.  I was then moved to our delivery room and we were told that the mid-wife would be in by soon.  Well soon turned into hours later.  She was hit with multiple deliveries all at once, so we just hung out and waited on family to arrive.  I was starting to get contractions, but nothing too bad so I was feeling pretty good about where we were at in this process. 

And then the mid-wife arrived and once she had time to assess where I was at, she was not thrilled.  I was at 2cm and 50% effaced, not quite the progress we were all hoping for after six hours.  So she said the best thing to do is start the petosin.  I was dead set against this route but I did not want to argue with someone who knows better than I and since my water had broken, I knew that there was only so much time before other complications become an issue.  So we started the petosin and the contractions started quick, too quick.  I began to have such intense contractions/pain in my back that I thought I was going to die.  They were on top of each other and all in my back.  The nurse came in and said that they should only be 2-3 minutes apart, not every other minute.  And then the baby's heartbeat dropped and about 5 people came rushing in, and starting pressing on things, giving me oxygen and working to get her back on track.  Whatever they tried was not working and they decided that the baby was under too much stress so they gave me a shot to stop my contractions.  This seemed to do the trick, but then once the shot wore off, they started up the potosin again and the contractions started again and they were just as intense.  I knew there was no way I would be able to manage this pain for too long and decided to get an epidural.  All of this was the exact opposite of our birth plan, something I had wanted to stick to no matter what.

The epidural was administered and almost immediately things became manageable and I felt so much better.  I was checked and I had gone from 2cm to 4cm, so we were making some progress.  We were able to get some rest, which helped alot and when the mid-wife came back hours later I had gone from 4cm to 8cm, almost 9cm and fully effaced, so they were happy about that.  The nurse said that we should be able to look at pushing in about 30 minutes.  But then 30 minutes turned into an hour, because they did not like her position, and then another 30 minutes.  After about an hour and a half of waiting, the nurse said we could start pushing.  And so we did.  And we did some more and we really were not making the progress that was needed, but we were progressing.  The midwife showed up and took a look and said that we should start pushing some more.  So we did and at some point a ton of people came rushing in again, and once again they threw the oxygen on my and starting looking at machines and throwing out medical terms that meant nothing to me, except that something was not right.  Another shot to stop my contractions was administered and I was told that the baby was under too much stress again and that we needed to get her to relax before we progressed. 

Once we ready to push again, the epideral was all but worn off so I was starting to feel the contractions again.  It helped with regards to pushing, to be able to really feel what I was doing, but they were tough to manage.  After what was about a total of an hour and a half to two hours of pushing the midwife called in the doctor to take a look at where the baby was at.  We pushed some more while they were figuring out what to do next.  From what they could tell my pelvis had an arch that was not allowing her to come down and she would need about 4 more cm's of space to get out.  The doctor said that we had some options, we could try pushing and it might take an hour with no guarantees where we might end up.  OR we could do a c-section, which is what the doctor was recommending.  I took one look at Paul and said let's do it.  At no point in this process was my birth plan going to interfere with the health or safety of my child.  All I want is for our baby to be okay, so whatever they have to do to accomplish that we will do.  Don't get me wrong I was crying the whole time we were talking about this, but I knew it was the right thing to do.

They wheeled me into the OR and took Paul to another room to get him dressed.  I was still experiencing contractions the whole time that I was waiting to get set up for surgery.  I have to say that was the most alone I had felt in so very long.  I was just sitting on the table in such pain, with complete strangers all around me ignoring my pain and more or less me.  And then Paul was still not in there, which was absolutely unnerving.  The anastesiologist (sp?) came in and starting working miracles and within minutes I was not feeling the contractions anymore and they started moving to start surgery.  I started to panic, it seemed like they were going to start and Paul was still not in the room.  I asked if he was coming and they assured me they would call him in just a bit.  Soon enough he was called in and arrived by my side.  Seeing him made me feel so much better and just knowing that we were doing this together made it seem like it was going to be okay. 

They began the surgery and I could feel pressure from where they were working, but no pain.  The anastesiologist was talking to me the whole time, making sure I knew what to expect and what was going on. And then it happened, they pulled out our little one and within moments we heard her cry.  At that moment all was forgotten, all the pain, the mishaps and turns in the road and all that mattered was Olivia.  Paul and I shared a very emotional moment and waited to see our baby girl.  Paul was able to cut the cord and see his lady for the first time, which was amazing.  And then they brought her to me and put her up against my face and for a moment I knew all was well.  They moved Paul and Olivia to the recovery room and started to work on closing me up.  They gave me something for the pain that would make me pretty sleepy and moved me into recovery.  I found Paul sitting in the room with Olivia, looking more in love than I have ever seen him.  It was beautiful and I was so glad that he was able to have that moment with her.  I was too nervous about all the drugs in my system and being able to really hold onto to her, that I did not get to hold her till we were in our actual room.  And when that moment finally happened... well there are no words.

I know that there are other details that I will never be able to remember, and some that I will never forget but there is one thing that I will say, I have never done anything more amazing in my entire life.  She is beautiful and perfect in every way and I don't know what we did before she got here.  My life will forever be changed.  For the better!

My To Do List

Here is a list of things I cannot wait to do once this baby makes her way into this world.  Please be advised this is a purely selfish list, having nothing to do with the baby.

- Eat sushi
- Drink wine, drink anything I want for that matter
- Lay on my stomach
- Sleep on my back
- Have normal looking feet
- Wear my closet full of clothing that I have had nothing to do with for months
- Eat deli meat
- Walk normally... I cannot wait to be able to speed up and not waddle
- Shave without getting pooped
- Bend over and not get winded
- Get up from the sofa, bed or ground without assistance
- Sleep through the night without getting up to pee (this one may take some time)
- Workout (yes this is something I could have been doing all along, but alas too tired for that)

I am sure that there are other things, but this is what I can think of right now.

PS - I am also looking forward to holding my baby girl. ;)

The Time Has Come!

Well not really, but we are at ten days and counting till this little lady is set to arrive.  Which really means that she could come any day now, a thought that is not lost on me at any point during the day.  I am so excited and ready to get this started, but all I get to do from this point on is wait.  Wait for something to happen that will signal that it is time for us to move, one way or the other.  Plus this part of the pregnancy is starting to wear on me.  I know I have not been the best at this, but this last month or so has been trying on both my body and my mind. 

Last night we had a scare.  Nothing that resulted in a hospital visit, but it definitely worried me.  In the last couple of weeks, I have felt the baby all day and all night.  There is so little room left at this point, I can feel her move, kick, stretch, pretty much anything she does, I feel.  But for some reason last night it felt like it had been a couple of hours since I could remember feeling her move and once you realize you don't know when the last time she moved, you freak.  So I drank some juice, laid on my side and started the kick counts.  Basically you are supposed to lay on your side and wait to feel the baby move or kick or do anything and keep track of how long it takes to get to ten movements.  Normally it takes ten to twenty minutes, if that, but last night it took almost 45 and I cried through most of it.  I admit I was a mess and ready to call labor and delivery to have them tell us what to do next.  But she did it.  Took longer than I wanted it to, but it happened.  And the whole process made me realize how nervous I am going to be about tons of things in her life. 

I definitely think that this part is rough, with not knowing if she is okay because she is on the inside and not the out, but what awaits us might be scarier.  I will have no control over anything once she gets here, not something I think that I am ready for as well.  Maybe I am not ready for any of this, but I am excited all the same.

One random moment of last night, Moe slept by my head all night.  This cat has been super wierd with me since I got pregnant.  He bites me every chance he gets and then follows me around like I might disapear into a wall.  But when I am hurting or sad, he is there.  He even sniffed/licked my tears last night.  Paul was a little freaked out by this move, but it was sweet.  Even now, he is by my side.  Hopefully this is a sign that he will be good with the baby... Here's hoping!

Oh yeah that is my belly.  Hard to hide at this point and why bother really!

The Last 3 Weeks...

When I picked the title of this blog I had in mind the idea of going over the last 3 weeks since I had blogged, but then I realized that it could also be about the last 3 weeks of my pregnancy.  Yes folks, we are in the final stretch and I am starting to get VERY anxious for this all to be over.  And quite frankly I want to meet Olivia.  It's sort of cruel that you find out that you are pregnant and then you have to wait nine months to actually get the real reward of that moment.  But then again, who is really ready to have a child in thier arms right after they find out they are pregnant, I am guessing that I was not.  Regardless we are now and the last 3 weeks should prove that point.

On June 2nd, my sister, mother and aunt threw me an amazing baby shower.  It was complete with games, gifts and wonderful people, all done up with the cutest decorations and greatest food.  I am a very lucky and loved girl and could not have planned or asked for a better day.

These are cute a few photos from the shower, there were tons more but this computer is taking forever to load, so this will have to do for now.  We received a ton of wonderful things, mainly clothes but also a few key items that have helped to round out the list of things that we needed before this little lady came into the world, such as the carseat, the bassinet, the diaper genie and bath items galore! 

The following weekend we went to part II of Katie and Rodger's wedding, the Chinese Banquet.  Part I required more help on all our part, but this one was a show up and enjoy kind of day, the best if you ask me.  Rodger's sisters and cousin helped Katie out with all the details and I know that it made a world of difference.  It was a wonderful event and we had a great time celebrating with Katie and Rodger once again and trying out new cuisine and customs.  Ten courses of food, an "interesting" MC and a dress change rounded out a really nice evening.  Katie is a really lucky girl to come from such a large supportive family and to have married into one as well.  Rodger's family and friends are the nicest people, who have been so accepting and great not only to Katie but to us, her family. 

And now we are up to Father's Day weekend.  We were able to get four tickets to the Angels Game from my work for Saturday night and we asked Katie and Rodger to join us.  We worked on the nursery in the morning and then Katie and Rodger came down and brought us the crib, which was WAY TOO GENEROUS of them, but very much appreciated.  Once the crib was set up, we hit up dinner and then the game.  Great seats and a great time had by all.  Then Sunday was Father's Day with my dad.  It was good to see my dad and spend some time catching up.  And finally after a long weekend, we came home and I took a well deserved nap.  With everything going on, its hard to find time to just sit and relax, but I really need to do it more often than I am.  We have been so busy during the week, with work and what not and the weekends have been jam packed as well.  So next Saturday when Paul is working, I plan on doing a whole lot of nothing.  The 23rd of June is going to be my day... So there!

I guess that is all for now.  Just finishing up some stuff in the nursery and getting ready for the greatest thing that I will ever do... No pressure or anything. ;)

Palm Springs... Just what the doctor ordered!

Last weekend Paul and I took a much needed trip to Palm Springs.  It was considered to be a babymoon, but really it was more like a much needed weekend of R&R.  We headed out on Thursday and stayed till Sunday, which was just enough time to feel like a mini vacation, rather than a weekend away.  We stayed in Palm Desert at the Westin Desert Willows Villas, which is part time share, part hotel and part amazing.  It has all the ammenities of home, plus a pool that is open 24 hours a day, with a kid/family section that includes a slide and then an adult section that is quiet and relaxing.  We hit up the pool every day and it cooled down a bit on Friday, so we were able to stay out there for most of the day and really soak up the sun and relazation.

For the most part when we go to Palm Springs we are there to relax and eat.  We only plan our meals ahead of time, making reservations at a couple of our favorite places like Ruths Chris and LG's and do not make plans for anything else, so that we don't feel bad when all we end up doing is lying by the pool or sitting on the patio reading.  I love Palm Springs. But I have to admit this was a little rougher of trip, since I was 33 weeks pregnant and it was hot and I have a hard time moving very quickly at this size.  But we made the most of it, and had a wonderful time. 

This was the most flattering shot of me and my baby bump.  From the waist down it's a whole 'nother story.

Floating... First time I have been comfortable laying on my back since I got pregnant.  It was very nice to feel weightless for a moment.

Me in the pool...

Date night at The Cliffhouse.  It worked out that we had a dining room all to ourselves for most of the meal.  So nice!!!

Amazing baked artichoke at The Cliffhouse

Happy Mom's Day

I spent a wonderful day with two mothers I love dearly and a sister who will be a wonderful mother someday!  We went to brunch at The Langham Hotel in Pasadena, which was lovely and then we did a little shopping at the mall.  It was a great day.

And here is my Jessica Simpson dress... Though I have to admit I like the photo, I am starting to feel like I have been pregnant for a year and a half and after a couple minutes of walking, I am done for.  But we are in the final stretch and with only 8 more weeks... I am going to try and relax and get ready for the road ahead.  Very excited to meet this little lady and be a mother!