Little Things

"Sometimes," said Pooh, "the smallest things take up the most room in your heart."

I was looking up quotes online in preperation for my speech at Katie's wedding and ran across this gem.  And I balled, I mean I could barely get through reading it.  What the heck hormones, let me at least read a little Poohism without losing my stuff.  But then I started thinking about this little person growing in me and how much I already love them and we have only known one another for 15 weeks.  I have known people for years, that I can barely say that about.  And that makes me very happy but so very nervous as well.  I began to think how hard it will be to leave them at home or at daycare and head off to work, or to see them off on the first day of school.  And don't get me started thinking about them going off to college or getting married and having children of their own.  I really have no idea how my mother did it.  I would have fallen apart more times than I like to admitt. 

But at the same time, I am thrilled that I am already so attached and in love.  I was always a little concerned if this maternal side of me would ever kick in, and I guess I waited for the right time, cause it is in full swing.  And I cannot wait to meet this little person... Who by the way has decided to hide for one more month, and not reveal whether or not they are a Paula or a Victor!?!  Oh well, we will find out one way or another soon enough!

The Anticipation is Killing Me

Before we got pregnant, actually before we even started trying, I thought that I would want to be one of those parents that waited till the baby was born to find out the sex.  I knew in my heart that I did not care if it was a boy or a girl, as long as they were healthy and all mine.  And then we got pregnant and Paul decided that he was going to find out the sex, no matter what... And that if I did not want to know, he would just not tell me.  What is that?!?  So I gave in.  I decided that if I got to carry the baby for nine months and experience all the wonderful parts of being pregnant, the least I could do for Paul is share in the joy of finding out the sex of the baby.

And now we wait.  At our last appointment the doctor got us all excited at 11 weeks, mentioning that there was a chance that we might be able to tell.  And then nothing.   But the worst part was that I did not think before we went in for that appointment that we had a chance in hell of finding out till 20 weeks, and here we were at 11 weeks.  And that is where it started and now all I think about, day and night, is finding out if there is a little wein or who-ha growing inside of me.  We have another appointment on Tuesday and my fingers are crossed that the doctor will be able to see something, anything.  And though I know that it does change my feelings in the least about the baby growing inside, there is something to be said for being able to say he or she, instead of feeling the instinct to say it.

And so we wait... But I do have a hunch that we have a girl on our hands.  Something about the Chinese calendar and the fact that I am growing all over the place, and the secret hope that I will have someone to shop and drink wine with, is leading me down that road...  BUT we will have to wait for now!

Closing in on 2012

Seeing as how the holidays are slowly passing us by, I wanted to take a moment to think about the new year ahead and the one that we are putting behind us.  I would be lying if I said that 2011 was the best year of my life, that is not to say that there were not wonderful moments.  We had a wonderful trip to London and fell in love with a city that I could see us living in without any issues.  We embarked on the next chapter of our lives and became pregnant, and found that we really have never been happier in our relationship.  Those first few years were challenging and beautiful in so many ways, but I really feel that Paul and I have found our groove.  And I have never felt more in love and more committed than I do at this time.  

And then there have been the bumps in the road that no one saw coming, or could have prepared us for.  It was a shock to find out that my parents were seperating and to say it broke my heart, is the understatment of the year.  I looked to my parents as the tride and true guide to a happy, long marriage and to find out that there were cracks in the foundation, tested my faith in the sanctity of marriage, even my own.  But as I have come to find out, everyone has their own journey and sometimes you have to allow people to fall and make mistakes in order for there to be growth, even when you do not understand the reasoning.  I can say that this year has been one of transformation for myself and those closest to me.  For me, I have learned that I cannot control everything and letting go can be very freeing.  Who am I to decide what is best for others, I can only do that for myself.  And I have learned to be a better sister, daughter, wife and friend.  It takes so little to be there for someone, yet it gives back so much in return.  I would not give back the time that I have been able to spend with my sister and mom, that under different circumstances may not have been possible.  I love these two women more than life, and I have learned so much about them this year and believe that we are on a good path to something wonderful.

Leaving behind 2011 and embarking on 2012 is something I have been looking forward to for some time.  So many amazing things in the works for next year.  Katie and Rodger are getting married.  This is such a wonderful thing and I know that they make one another so very happy and I cannot wait for their big day.  Mom and I are planning the shower, the bachelorette weekend is in the works and then the wedding will be here before we know it. 

And then we have little Baby Madore joining us in the summer.  I cannot express in words how happy I am just talking about this, such joy.  I am excited and nervous and at times giddy, at the idea of having this little person that Paul and I created looking up at me and falling in love with every moment.  I was a late comer to the idea of motherhood and having a little one, but I feel like I am hitting my stride.  I cannot wait... For all of the wonderful moments to come!

So with that I say Happy New Year and Goodbye 2011!  Such great things awaite us just around the corner!

A Small Announcement

I have been wanting to make this announcement for weeks and finally I feel like it is time to tell the world... Moe is going to be a big brother!  Yep, we are having a baby!!!!  We are beyond excited and cannot wait to share the good news with everyone.  The baby's birthday is July 7th and we are almost 12 weeks along and could not be happier. 

I was very anxious to be excited in the beginning, so as not to get my hopes up and get disapointed if this did not end up the way that we would hope.  But we are now far enough along, and after seeing the doctor yesterday and getting a clean bill of health, I cannot help but be down right giddy that we are having a baby.  And other than the sickness, the absolute lack of energy and an inability to keep a straight thought for more than 10 seconds, I would say that all is well.  We have met with the doctor a few times, done the ultrasounds, seen the baby growing from month to month, and now we are anxioulsy awaiting the moment when he or she reveals their gender to us.  Names are in the works... Many of which I love and Paul hates, but thankfully we have found some middle ground on a few.  .

I feel very lucky to have so many wonderful people around me to support and love Paul and me through this amazing journey.  And I cannot wait to embark on the many adventures that lay ahead of us.

(By the way, this is 11 weeks and 4 days... But not meant to be upside down, but cannot figure out why this photo will not upload correctly or let me rotate.  I am not skilled)

Beyoncé - I Was Here (Live at Roseland)

I realize I am posting more videos than actual info on my life, but when my sister sent me this... I fell in love! This song is just so beautiful and so very fitting for this last year in my life and the life of the amazing people around me. We are so much stronger than we ever thought we could be and we have so much to give and though it can be hard to stay in the moment when the world is trying to drag you down, it can help to remember that you are only living when you live.

So this is my vow to live in the moment, be present, be thankful and never forget that I am alive and I want to live. I am here and I want it to be here for all the good, bad and just down right amazing moments that we are going to all embark on in the next year and for the rest of this life.

Love to all.

SNL Kardashian Fairytale Divorce Parody - NOV 2011

I just had to post this... Not only is it good for a laugh, SNL was spot on with most of their parodies!

Loves it!

My Mister

I have been a T-Mobile true blue fan for over 10 years and though I grew up on cell phones with this service, I have been wanting to call it quits for some time.  But how do you say goodbye to someone who has seen you through it all... First calls, first dates, break-ups and so many amazing moments that even I cannot begin.  But it was time.  We have been having issues for a while now and it was time.  So last week I called up another provider, on the sly, and switched it over.  I know I should have at least told T-Mobile that we were on the outs, but I am a loser and going behind his back and letting my new friend, Verizon handle it was easier.

And so, now I am a Verizon customer.  But even better I am an official iPhone 4 owner!!!!  And can I just say, as someone who was totally hesitant and against the whole touch screen/finger print thing, I AM IN LOVE!  Someone asked me how I like my new phone and all I could think was that it was like having a lover, or a mistress, but for women, so I guess a mister?!?  It's all I think about and want to do (be with)... It really does feel bad too, cause when people are talking to me, I am really only thinking about this phone and checking out new aps or checking email or facebook.  I realize that this makes me a loser on some levels, but let's be real I don't care... I LOVE IT!