i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in

my heart) i am never without it (anywhere

i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear

no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want

no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

- e.e. cummings

Life IN CONTROL

It has been 18 days since January 1st and I am feeling good.  I don't want to pretend like the first week was not the hardest one I have had in recent history, but I made it.  I faced some challenges, but I feel like today I am in a place where I am not consumed by the thought of drinking and when I have a drink, I don't have the need to have another, as strongly as before. 

The goal was to get to a place where alcohol was an option not a guarantee and I really think that I am there.  I am proud of myself for breaking away from bad habits and forming new habits.  I have started eating right again and working out and overall I am in a much better place than where I was when 2010 ended.  I am strong and always have been, I just needed to get back to that place... AND I AM TRULY THERE!

This will be my last blog about this for a bit, because just like the alcohol, it needs to be something that is there but that I don't consume myself with at all times.

Thank for your support, it was much appreciated!

Day 5 - Not that I'm Counting or Anything

I am officially on Day 5 and lets just say it has not been super easy. 

Saturday was fine, mainly cause I had such an awful sinus infection that all I did was sleep all day, so not much thought spent on wanting a cocktail.  Then on Sunday it was going well till Paul wanted to eat at Canaletto, which is an amazing Italian restaurant in Newport, and we like to eat in the bar area.  We mainly eat in there because it is less crowded and they have these really nice tall tables, but also because it is the bar.  I like eating in the bar for two reasons, one because there is always tons to watch all around you and two, you can get a drink pretty quickly.  So in an effort to not be difficult and put Paul out during this process, we ate in the bar.  I thought I would be totally fine, but it bothered me.  I really like having a glass of wine there with my pizza or risotto and instead I got an Iced Tea.  I lived, but it was a little less fun than it was in the past.  At least it seemed that way then.

Monday was a work day and a work night.  By this I mean that when I work a full, stressful day at the sometimes lunatic, crazed place that I do, I like to have a glass of wine to unwind or forget that I work there.  But I did not.  And I lived through this as well.  But to be totally honest, I was in a crap mood and went to bed at like 8:30pm to feel less pathetic.

Tuesday was better and here we are on Wednesday.  I am fine.  Don't get me wrong I would have loved to have had a glass of wine with the tilapia dinner that I made, but I did not, I had Iced Tea.  By the way, Iced Tea is my new best friend.  I like soda occassionally and water is great, but lets be honest both of those can get old, so now I am drinking the Iced Tea like it is my job... Actually like it is wine. :0

So here we are on Day 5 and though I am somewhat consumed by this whole thing, I am sticking with it and just a few more weeks from now, I am going to be better than this... I am better than this!

New Year, New Me

Started the year with some very good intentions, but ended up starting it as I spent the last year, or the last few for that matter, with a lie.  I lied to someone about something totally lame, even silly and now that it is out there, the guilt has settled in and so has the remorse.  I don't know how it starts, but once it does there is no stopping it.  That being said, I have decided that my New Years Resolution is to work on me.  I am going to stop lying to others and especially to myself, about everything.  I am going to be honest and address the things in my life that are not in line with where I really need them to be, or want them to be.

To start, I have been denying that the drinking is a problem for longer than I can remember, which is a bad sign all on it's own.  I have been telling myself that I have complete control and that I know what I am doing and if I wanted to, I could stop... But I guess that I just did not want to.  I think that I like it, a lot.  I don't know if I have ever had a normal relationship with alcohol, but months turn into years and here I am with what could have been a casual relationship, but is now a marriage.  We live and breath one another and it has to stop.  I feel like I am numbing myself to my life and using it to handle my anxiety and my control issues, and there is nothing normal about that. 

So this is where I openly and publicly put myself on blast, so to speak.  I want to gain control over my drinking and work myself to a point where I can have a glass of wine or a beer when the occassion calls for it, not just because it is dinner and I feel that wine goes with all meals.  I hate that I can't just say no, blame it on my lack of control or whatever but I need to get this under control.  I want to have certain things and certain relationships in my life, and right now I am putting those things off because it is easier to drown it all out.

The year may not have started off as wonderful as I would have liked, but that is not going to stop it from getting better.  It won't be easy, if it was I would not be struggling with this whole issue at all... But it will be worth it.  I want to do so many other things with my nights and weekends and I know that cutting out the booze will get me there.  So here starts the detox/lifestyle change. 

If you read this and think to yourself "it's about time," know that I agree but right now I don't know that I want to hear it.  Get back to me on this in a couple of weeks when I am past the initial struggle of all of this.

Happy New Years to everyone!  And wish me luck, I know that I am going to need it!