But alas I can no longer hide from my faults. And that is a good thing. I am human, I make mistakes and I am trying to learn and grow from them. And today I sit before you and tell you that I have a problem with drinking. I am hesitant to say alcoholic, as you can imagine for all the reasons that one would like to avoid such a label. I don't know that I am there yet. I don't know that I would even admit if I was, but I do know that I do not want to be there. I like to drink. I like wine, beer, vodka, all of it really. And I have a very hard time saying no when presented with an option to have a drink. But I am owning that now. I don't want to be someone that can't go without a drink. I don't want to be someone that has one to deal with life or just because it is Tuesday night.
Admitting that I can't be drinking like I was drinking was the first step. It was a hard one, but necessary. I have been good about it the last month or so, but it has not been easy and I am by no means saying that I have not had a drink or two. But I do feel like I am gaining control and for me that is biggie. I did not have control before. For now, I am good. And if it starts to go in a bad direction again, I will re-access and see if maybe I can't have alcohol in my life at all.
I hope that I am on the right path. I still have a hard time picturing what this all looks like a few years down the road, but I do know what I don't want it to look like and that is a start. I have good examples to guide me. People who have been there and done that, and came out on the other side better for it. I am lucky that I am starting in a place where this is still an option, not one where the choice is being made for me. And if for no other reason, I have to do this for Olivia. She can never know me as anything other than her loving, amazing mother.
