I woke up this morning and decided that I wanted to spend the day at home with Olivia. Just a girls day, for lack of a better term. I do not know why I decided today was that day or why I had not done this sooner, but it was a great day. We ate breakfast together, then played for a while and ran errands, mostly just those that needed to be done some time ago for her birthday in two days. And then she went down for a nap and I ate lunch and relaxed for a bit as well, and once she was up, it was play time again.
At some point in the middle of this seemingly normal day, it occured to me that I was really happy. Not just "this is a good day" happy, but genuinely happy. This was definitely a feeling that has been sort of foreign for a bit. With all that was going on, mostly good, some really unfortunate moments have occurred. In an attempt to be honest, to purge, to move forward, I am going to admit that I am not speaking to my dad. A request was made, the understanding on his part was not there, and now we are taking some time to think things through. I wish that I could say that I knew that this was going to be okay, but I don't. Things have been said, lines have been drawn and over the last few weeks I have been left with an emptiness that I can only describe as loss. It feels like a death has occurred and I have most definitely gone through the very sad stages of grief. My dad and I will never be the same. We may find a way back to one another, but the damage is done. I have decided to allow this to be okay, mainly because I have to. I can no longer be the person that lets someone walk all over them. I can not continue down this path anymore. It is dark and with no end in sight. I won't allow him to do that to me or to my life. And once I freed myself of this; the weight lifted. I felt myself come back, was able to breathe life again.
So I choose to be happy. And today I actually felt that emotion, not just thought it. And it felt really good. I needed it more than I ever knew. I have been walking in some sort of haze and now I feel like I am alive again. I am hopefull that this is the beginning of great things. Of moving on. Of letting go... Of forgiving. And though I know my dad has done something untolerable, cruel even, I forgive. For that is my only option. I can't carry this with me anymore, I don't want to, don't need to. I can only hope that this is not the end. Only time will tell, but if today tells me anything, it is possible.
“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.”
― Ann Landers
