No Time for Sadness

On Wednesday my grandma passed away.  She was a strong and opionionated lady, someone that I related to on so many levels.  Life was black and white for her and she loved as hard as anyone could, how can you not love someone like that.  And though this has been a very hard time for me and my family, I feel that I have not had the time to really process my feelings.  I have dived into work as a way of avoiding handling anything, using the excuse that with the new business deal in place there really is no time for sadness.  And it's sort of true.  There is so much going on at work, and the very real possibility that in a week I could be out of job, that I guess it's easy to get lost in everything else going on. 

But now that it is Saturday and I have some down time, I have time to recognize that I am sad.  Really sad.  In less than 3 months I have lost two people that have helped to shape my life in such a large way.  I feel such an imense amount of sadness for so many reasons and they all surround the idea of loss.  In August I lost Grandma Garrett and I find myself missing her more and more each day.  On Wednesday I lost my Grandma Creekmur and I know that my family will never be the same and there is only more loss to come from her passing.  And next week, I will lose the company that I have worked for for over 7 years.  It is being bought and there are no guarantees as to how myself or my department will fit into this new situation.  And even if somehow I make it out unscathed, there is going to be some fallout.  The president of the company and many others have already made thier intentions known that they will be gone.  It will be a new company with a new direction, and no guarantees.  With so much change in the last couple of years, I feel the walls closing in at times. 

But I have to stay strong and focused on the good and the positive all around me.  And there is plenty!!!

Long Time Gone

So I guess I have to be the first person to admit that this going back to work thing it sort of hard.  For one, where does the time go.  We get up at 6am and before I know it I am at work, then picking up Olivia and then home putting her to bed.  We get like 3 hours together if we are lucky, and let's be honest she can be sort of bear at night, so you imagine the fun we are having for those 3 hours.  I love this girl, but nights are not her thing.  Anyways, back to the issue at hand, my lack of time these days... Which is why I have not blogged in forever.  So much has happened in two weeks and no blogging, bad me.

To start, I went back to work which means that Olivia started day care.  We were really fortunate to find Nancy, one of Rob's (Paul's brother) very good friends.  She is watching other kids at her home, and has been working in some form of day care for years.  She is very kind, relaxed and honest.  I feel that we are very lucky to have someone looking after Olivia for most of the week, that seems to care about her well being as much as we do.  And then on Friday's my Mom comes down and watches O.  I am so happy that they get to have this time together.  Some of my favorite memories from childhood are those spent with my grandparents, so I know how much this is going to mean to Olivia in the future.  And my mom loves this time.  She is so happy to see her and so good with her... I wish that it could be every day, but keeping it limited makes it more special and less like babysitting.  I want them to be close and this is making that all possible.  I can see a very special relationship developing... Olivia loves her neema (not sure how you spell that).

So if Olivia is at day care and I am back at work, that must mean that Olivia is now 3 months.  Such a big girl is coming out of this baby.  I cannot believe that she can hold her head up, sleep for very long stretches of time and look at me with such recognition.  I have to say I think that she knows me, well at least knows that I am someone who loves her and is there for her.  It makes some of the long nights and fussy moments worth while.  And boy is she starting to have fussy moments.  Afternoons the last few days have been rough, she doesn't nap like she normally does, so she gets super tired and just cries.  It's awful, plus I'm certain that she is teething.  We got some gel last night and some teething tablets, which worked for like 10 minutes as long as you hold her.  I have a feeling that all those really easy, good baby moments are behind us and now the real work starts.  Good thing that she is so cute, otherwise.... Kidding.

Beyond all the changes in my personal life, work has had a major one as well.  My company was sold.  While I was on maternity leave, a company out of the UK has purchased our parent company and we were part of that deal.  In the beginning it was sureal, nothing that made a major impact in my life, mainly because I had been so removed from it all for three months.  But now that I have been back in the office for two weeks and I have seen the fallout from this sale.  We are official on November 1st and there are people already cleaning out their offices.  It doesn't take much to assume that certain changes are going to be made, but to see the President of your company cleaning out his office, before anything has really happened is just sad.  I know this cannot be easy for him, but what really bothers me is that it just gets everyone else nervous and sad and all around scared for thier jobs as well.  These are the leaders of our company, and they are acting like little children who because they did not win the game, are taking thier ball and going home.  The one reason I have stayed at my job for so many years is the respect that I have for the management, and it seems like the final weeks at Target may just go ahead and erase all that.  We may not have had a choice in the decision to sell the company, we do have a choice in how we deal with the decision.  I chose to come to work and do my job and stay positive, till they tell me otherwise.  And this is all I can do.

Okay so that is where we are at.  Caught up on a couple of weeks of blogging and life all in a couple of paragraphs, and I said I was too busy to blog.