No Time for Sadness

On Wednesday my grandma passed away.  She was a strong and opionionated lady, someone that I related to on so many levels.  Life was black and white for her and she loved as hard as anyone could, how can you not love someone like that.  And though this has been a very hard time for me and my family, I feel that I have not had the time to really process my feelings.  I have dived into work as a way of avoiding handling anything, using the excuse that with the new business deal in place there really is no time for sadness.  And it's sort of true.  There is so much going on at work, and the very real possibility that in a week I could be out of job, that I guess it's easy to get lost in everything else going on. 

But now that it is Saturday and I have some down time, I have time to recognize that I am sad.  Really sad.  In less than 3 months I have lost two people that have helped to shape my life in such a large way.  I feel such an imense amount of sadness for so many reasons and they all surround the idea of loss.  In August I lost Grandma Garrett and I find myself missing her more and more each day.  On Wednesday I lost my Grandma Creekmur and I know that my family will never be the same and there is only more loss to come from her passing.  And next week, I will lose the company that I have worked for for over 7 years.  It is being bought and there are no guarantees as to how myself or my department will fit into this new situation.  And even if somehow I make it out unscathed, there is going to be some fallout.  The president of the company and many others have already made thier intentions known that they will be gone.  It will be a new company with a new direction, and no guarantees.  With so much change in the last couple of years, I feel the walls closing in at times. 

But I have to stay strong and focused on the good and the positive all around me.  And there is plenty!!!

Long Time Gone

So I guess I have to be the first person to admit that this going back to work thing it sort of hard.  For one, where does the time go.  We get up at 6am and before I know it I am at work, then picking up Olivia and then home putting her to bed.  We get like 3 hours together if we are lucky, and let's be honest she can be sort of bear at night, so you imagine the fun we are having for those 3 hours.  I love this girl, but nights are not her thing.  Anyways, back to the issue at hand, my lack of time these days... Which is why I have not blogged in forever.  So much has happened in two weeks and no blogging, bad me.

To start, I went back to work which means that Olivia started day care.  We were really fortunate to find Nancy, one of Rob's (Paul's brother) very good friends.  She is watching other kids at her home, and has been working in some form of day care for years.  She is very kind, relaxed and honest.  I feel that we are very lucky to have someone looking after Olivia for most of the week, that seems to care about her well being as much as we do.  And then on Friday's my Mom comes down and watches O.  I am so happy that they get to have this time together.  Some of my favorite memories from childhood are those spent with my grandparents, so I know how much this is going to mean to Olivia in the future.  And my mom loves this time.  She is so happy to see her and so good with her... I wish that it could be every day, but keeping it limited makes it more special and less like babysitting.  I want them to be close and this is making that all possible.  I can see a very special relationship developing... Olivia loves her neema (not sure how you spell that).

So if Olivia is at day care and I am back at work, that must mean that Olivia is now 3 months.  Such a big girl is coming out of this baby.  I cannot believe that she can hold her head up, sleep for very long stretches of time and look at me with such recognition.  I have to say I think that she knows me, well at least knows that I am someone who loves her and is there for her.  It makes some of the long nights and fussy moments worth while.  And boy is she starting to have fussy moments.  Afternoons the last few days have been rough, she doesn't nap like she normally does, so she gets super tired and just cries.  It's awful, plus I'm certain that she is teething.  We got some gel last night and some teething tablets, which worked for like 10 minutes as long as you hold her.  I have a feeling that all those really easy, good baby moments are behind us and now the real work starts.  Good thing that she is so cute, otherwise.... Kidding.

Beyond all the changes in my personal life, work has had a major one as well.  My company was sold.  While I was on maternity leave, a company out of the UK has purchased our parent company and we were part of that deal.  In the beginning it was sureal, nothing that made a major impact in my life, mainly because I had been so removed from it all for three months.  But now that I have been back in the office for two weeks and I have seen the fallout from this sale.  We are official on November 1st and there are people already cleaning out their offices.  It doesn't take much to assume that certain changes are going to be made, but to see the President of your company cleaning out his office, before anything has really happened is just sad.  I know this cannot be easy for him, but what really bothers me is that it just gets everyone else nervous and sad and all around scared for thier jobs as well.  These are the leaders of our company, and they are acting like little children who because they did not win the game, are taking thier ball and going home.  The one reason I have stayed at my job for so many years is the respect that I have for the management, and it seems like the final weeks at Target may just go ahead and erase all that.  We may not have had a choice in the decision to sell the company, we do have a choice in how we deal with the decision.  I chose to come to work and do my job and stay positive, till they tell me otherwise.  And this is all I can do.

Okay so that is where we are at.  Caught up on a couple of weeks of blogging and life all in a couple of paragraphs, and I said I was too busy to blog. 

Everyone Loves Olivia

I know that I joke that people could care less about me showing up, as long as Olivia is there... But we are really lucky to have so many people that love her so much.  She is such a special girl and I so happy that people share that sentiment.

 Uncle Cory and Uncle Justin (technically second cousins).

Great Grandpa, Grandma, Mom and O (Love this one).

Auntie Katie and Uncle Matt

Great Grandpa and his girls!

Goodbye Summer

Well you wouldn't know it based on the 100 degree weather but fall is here and that means another summer has passed us by.  And it has been a pretty busy one.  There was a trip to Palm Springs, one grandmother in and out of the hospital a couple times, one grandmother passing away, my parents filing for divorce, oh and we had a baby.  So all in all a VERY busy summer, and I did not make it to the beach once.  Actually with it being so hot I barely made it out of the house most days.

I still cannot believe that my parents are actually getting divorced.  I know that after the last year and some I should be used to the idea, or at least better with it, but it's still so very odd.  In my day to day I am at peace with the direction that this is all going and has gone, but when I think about it as a whole I am still at a loss for words.  I see my dad, who really seems lost and not at all the happy person that you would think he should be, and that worries me.  And then I see my mom, who is so strong and I wonder if I would have that same strength if this was to happen to me.  I would hope so, but who knows.  Selfishly I wish that they were still together so that Olivia could have that example in her life, since it seems that there are so few relationships left to look up to these days.  And then I realize that this is what it is and maybe it is for the best.  She will get to know my mom as this strong single woman, who has come out on top.  And she will get to have a relationship with my dad that is thiers and theirs alone.  I love them both so very much and want only the best, since that is what they gave to me.

And then there was a death.  It's awful and strange to say it all at the same time, but my grandmother's death was in some ways a blessing.  She was unhappy and sad and has been ready to die for longer than any of us cared to admit.  I loved my grandma dearly, but I loved the grandma that I knew from so many years ago.  I was very fortunate to have her in my life as a support and cheerleader, but at some point she let the negativity get the best of her and stopped living.  I am sad for my mom and aunt and especially my grandpa, as it cannot be easy to lose someone that close to you.  But as with all things something great has come out of it.  My grandpa is now living with my aunt and my mom and aunt are able to get this wonderful relationship back with thier dad.  He is willing to live and wants do stuff and that makes me smile.  My grandpa was such a good husband to stand by grandma's side and do whatever she needed him to do.  I love that about him.  He is my example of what a good partner is and what I hope for Olivia some day.

I know I mentioned that we went to Palm Springs this summer, like it somehow compares to a birth, death and a divorce but it was a really big deal to me.  It was the first time that I had a night away from Olivia and a real night of sleep.  It was about 6 weeks after she was born and though it was too hot for her to go, I decided that I would hang out with the family for one night.  It was AMAZING!!!  I had a great time and it was the perfect way to refuel for the next 6 weeks.  I love my family and spending time with them always makes my day.

And the highlight of my summer... OLIVIA!!!  I love her so much.  She is such a doll and yesterday she laughed for the first time.  Now I should say that there have been tons of smiles and giggles at the faces that we make at her, but yesterday was a real laugh.  Paul was making some noise and she was just laughing it up in response.  It quite honestly made my day, maybe my week.  There is NOTHING, and I mean nothing like the sound of a child laughing.  And now we are down to my last week of maternity leave and I have to say it's a little bittersweet.  I am excited about work, but sad that I won't be able to hear that laugh all day.  But that just means that I have to make the most of my time with her.  So nights, the few hours that we will have together, and weekends are going to be me and Olivia time... Oh and Paul too.  Kidding.  By the way, in case I failed to mention this... Paul is a great dad.  I guess that is one more thing that happened this summer, I became a mom and Paul became a dad.  And a really good one.  I knew that I married a good partner for myself but now I know that I married a really good dad for my daughter.  I am very lucky!

Thank you to everyone for all your love and support over the last few months.  I would not have been able to make it without help. 

LOVE!

Better late than never...



Happy Two Months Lady!

Friday Nights

So we spent our Friday night watching "The Five Year Engagement" and smelling Olivia's binkie.  And yes we are wierdos and captured it on film.  I love that girl and even when I get two hours away from her I am smelling her blankets... We are definitely going to put this one in a zip lock and pull it out from time to time to remember the wonderful smell of our girl.

Only One More Month

Let the countdown begin... I go back to work in a month.  I have mixed feelings about this one.  On the one hand I am excited to get back to a normal routine and to a place where I am challenged intellectually, since lets be honest the most challenging part of my day right now is making up songs to sing and figuring out how I am going to fit in my pumping and naps around Olivia's schedule.  But then Olivia and I are just starting to really like one another.  She smiles at me and laughs at my singing and we have these wonderful naps together and I will miss them so much.  And I know that I am going to have only a few hours a day with her on the weekdays when she is not sleeping, and that will be rough.  I don't know how Paul handles it now, I would feel so left out if I was him... And I will be.  Someone else is going to get ther smiles and laughs and see her first moments of doing new things, and I will be at work dealing with the adult versions of immature children.  Oh wow I said I wanted to go back to work, right?!?  I do.  And I need to keep reminding myself that it is the best thing for both Olivia and I.  I know that I was not cut out to stay at home with her all day long, and hopefully this will be make me make the most of each and every moment with her.

Not only do I go back to work and have to leave Olivia, there is the little matter of having to fit back into my work clothes post pregnancy.  And sadly I think that this might be stressing me out more than leaving Olivia.  I was so excited to have lost 25 pounds in the first few weeks after delivering Olivia, but here we are a month later and I not lost a pound more.  And though that is fine since all I do is wear sweats and shorts most days, it will be a rather large issue come October 1.  So in an effort not to have to pull out the maternity wear when I go back to work, I am starting a diet and will actually start working out.  Don't get me wrong there have been a few failed attempts at working out in the last few weeks, but walking and doing yoga once a week won't really cut it at this point. 

Starting today, I am cutting out the carbs (when I can) and adding in more veggies and fruits and stopping all the regular soda drinking I have been doing.  And I will workout in one way or another for 30 minutes every day.  I have to lose at least 10 pounds before October 1 to feel good about fitting into some of my clothes.  My ultimate goal is to be below my pre-pregnancy weight by January 1.  I have to say I regreting all that crap that I ate during my pregnancy right about now.  I cannot believe that I gained 40 pounds and ate so much fast food, something I never thought that I would do... But oh well. 

This is right when I found out I was pregnant, so technically this is my before picture.

This is not cute, and was from about 6 weeks before Olivia was born.  I swore no one would ever see this one, but posting this will help keep me accountable and motivated to stick with the diet.

Wish me luck... October 1 is right around the corner!