Sometimes you feel like a nut...

This was the email that I received this morning from my amazing cousin Matt...

Sooo...

You know how when it's your grandmas bday and you have to call her but she kinda semi-faked an illness and took three Valium to see her dr and u need to talk to her on the phone Bc at this rate it very likely could be her last bday and not really sure what to say? Like if u should say "gma I heard u took three Vamlium in a few hrs so maybe we shouldn't complain about being sick today?". No? That's not what it's like on every gmas bday? Just mine?  Ohhh. Didn't realize that was not normal....

This is just another reason that I love my family.  Somehow we all know we are thinking the same thing and trying out how to get out of it at the same time.

(Side note - I do realize that making fun of my Grandma under normal circumstances would be considered cruel, but thankfully she is not normal and will never read this, since she hates all things computers)

My husband is kind of great!

If you had asked me 24 hours ago what I thought of my husband, Paul I would have ripped into him like no other.  I was tired and overwhelmed and feeling just sorry for myself, something I have become really good at lately.  And the worst part is that none of it was true.  I was taking out my frustration on him and it was totally unjustified.  I was tired and in dire need of some time to myself, since the last three and a half weeks has meant some serious togetherness, which combined with a lack of sleep makes me not such a nice person.

But then last night in the middle of yet another breakdown, Paul said that he was going to sleep on the couch and keep the baby with him so I could sleep in the bedroom alone and get some real sleep.  At first I said that was silly and I felt like it was such a bad idea.  I just felt guilty for needing time alone and for my husband having to step up and handle it all, because I was clearly in no condition to do so.  But then I realized that I needed to finally let go of some amount of control and allow Paul to help.  And boy was it!  I slept from 12:30 to about 3:45, pumped, then went to sleep again till about 6:30.  It was like 5 or more hours of sleep and then Paul and I swapped.  He went into the room, slept till 10:30 and I slept out on the couch with Olivia till about that time as well.  It was one of the best nights of sleep I can remember, and it was just what I needed.

I have known that I married a great man for some time, but seeing him as a father has been the icing on the cake.  He is so good to her and is managing work, family and everything else so well.  His ability to juggle it all without losing his mind has been such a good example to me.  I love him and I know I picked the right guy!

My Love Hate Relationship with All Things Breastfeeding

I promise this will be my last post about breastfeeding.  To start we had Olivia's two week checkup and all is well.  She has gained a pound from her weight at birth and has grown half an inch.  This makes her almost in the 50th percentile in everything, which I guess is a good thing, you know if you like being average... ;)  We really like our pediatrician, Dr. Kan, she is young and spirited and we find that it is really easy to talk to her, which is always a bonus.  We discussed her breathing, which the Dr was a little concerned about and mentioned that we need to bone up on our CPR, just in case and watch her.  And there is nothing to be concerned about with regards to the bone on her chest, totally normal and the dimple on her back, it happens.  So yeah for little Olivia, she is thriving.

And then there was the appointment with the lactation consultation.  It was great, the exact opposite of what I thought it would be like.  I pictured them making me feel bad that we had been using bottles and a pacifier and for even just having to be there in the first place.  But that was not the case.  They asked me some questions about what we had been doing and what brought me there and then sat me in a chair and put Olivia on my breast.  It was the most simple and lovely thing and it made my day to see her latch on so quickly and look up at me so contently.  We connected and in that moment I knew why I was holding onto breastfeeding.  That look in her eyes that only we get to share, I wanted that and I was not ready to let that go.  So I left the clinic with tons of new info and a feeling of self worth and confidence about my new relationship with breastfeeding. 

I got home and told Paul all about it and how excited I was to have gone and how great the lady was and blah blah blah.   I was beaming!  Then Olivia and I took our afternoon nap together and at about 5pm she awoke ready to take another stab at breastfeeding.  So I got all set up and proceeded to do what the lactation consultant had shown me at the clinic.  And it did not work.  Not only did it not work, it was awful.  Olivia was clawing at me and fussing, something she had not done at the clinic, not once and I started to panic.  I kept trying to get her to latch the way she had earlier and it was not happening.  And then I started to cry.  Here was the moment that I had been waiting for and it was killing me.  I was in my own personal hell and all I wished for was that lady from the clinic to show up and help me.  It made me so upset that I had even bothered to see anyone about this, since I had already made the concession to pump and bottle feed. 

And so now I find myself giving Olivia a bottle, because my nipples are so sore again and I know that I can't take the rejection again.  So the new plan is to pump and try to breastfeed at least twice a day and see what happens.  I am not giving up totally but I do feel like I need to do what is right for us, and that is all I can do.

So Much Love

It has been only a couple of weeks and I LOVE LOVE LOVE this little lady!  She is such a joy.  I love the way she makes a million expressions while she sleeps and the sound of her farts, too cute!  I never imagined that something so small could take up this much room in my heart.

My absolute favorite thing is when she falls asleep on top of my chest.  She is such a little hot box and to feel her warm little body is pure joy.  It is literally the highlight of my day.  And then when she is waking up, she starts to make these little noises and stretch and it takes like 10 minutes for it to happen, but then she will look up at you and there is just this moment where you look into each others eyes and connect.  Amazing.

And on top of that, I am slowly coming to terms with the breastfeeding.  I have an appointment to meet with the lactation consultant tomorrow and depending on how that goes, we may move to just pumping and feeding with a bottle.  We have been doing more bottles this weekend, due to the fact that my nipples are sore and it hurts too much to have her breastfeed if she is not going to latch properly and I already feel less stressed.  I am not dreading the next feeding like I was when we were breastfeeding, and she is still getting all the essential nutrients from breast milk, just from a bottle instead of a breast.  For some reason I felt like I was failing by giving into the bottle, but I already feel better.  My sister said it best when she said that if this was going to be the only time that I have a child, I should be enjoying it as much as I can, rather than stressing over the little things.  And if nothing comes out of tomorrow, I am at peace with my decision and  will pump and feed my little lady with a bottle.  And all will be well. 

At the end of the day all that matters is that Olivia has a healthy and happy mother.  And that is what I plan to be.

Breastfeeding 101

If anyone tells me that breastfeeding is natural, I might die.  I get that it is the natural and right thing to do for my baby, but the idea that it comes naturally is dead wrong.  It is the hardest thing that I have ever done.  I had no idea how dificult this would be.  My entire day can be made or destroyed by the very fact that she may or may not get a good latch.  And here we are two weeks in and I am still having issues, and I just do not understand.  I respond to her hunger cues, let her eat as long as she wants, but something is not connecting.  She takes forever to get a good latch, like 8 minutes sometimes and when she does it hurts.  She is on the tip of the nipple and sucks so hard, I feel like they are going to fall off.  I am at a point where I honestly feel like giving up, but I know that this is the one thing that I am supposed to be able to provide for her that no one else can.  I would hate to have to do formula but I am not sure what other options we have if this does not get better.  Plus I am super emotional and cry whenever she does not get on or cries because she is hungry or frustrated. 

I made an appointment with a lactation consultant, to see if they can help out a bit... But if that does not help, I really do not know what options we have.  I want to be able to breastfeed my daughter for as long as possible, but since we are only two weeks in and I am already contemplating other options, I just don't know how that will be possible.

Birth Date Horoscope

My good friend Kelly made the below frame for Olivia and it included her horoscope from the day that she was born.  Ever since Cosmo magazine I have been reading horoscopes and for the most part they have all been dead on... Kidding.  But this one was perfect.  Sums it all up.

Today's Birthday (July 4) - YOU ARE THE ROCK FOR YOUR LOVED ONES THIS YEAR, and they will build their lives on your steadfast attention.  Because people trust you, you'll be promoted and well paid.  This month and October are the most lucrative.  You'll make a stellar arrangement in August.  Travel in November and June.  PISCES (me) and TAURUS (Paul) people adore you.  Your lucky numbers are: 49, 25, 4, 15, and 27.

Not so sure about the travel and her lucrative months, well except that I am slated to go back to work in October, so there will be more money where she is concerned.  But I do know that she has already become such a strong feature in this family.  Paul and I are thriving with this new addition to our lives, she has completed us.  And there is no limit to how much everyone loves her.  My mom, sister and aunt alone have shown more love for this little lady than most people receive in a lifetime.  She is so very lucky to have so many wonderful people in her life.  She has four great-grandparents, three grandparents, one aunty-grammy, one aunty, three uncles and an endless amount of extended family and friends and she is not even 2 weeks old. 

We consider ourselves to be so very lucky!

Happy 1 Week Birthday, Olivia!!!!

Olivia is now 1 week old!  Where did that week go?!?  Besides feeding, sleeping and changing diapers, we have done little else around here.  There have been a few rough moments, like me crying spontaneously for no real reason or snapping at Paul, who has done everything for us.  It's amazing how lack of sleep can effect you in the smallest way.  But then there are these wonderful moments of absolute joy, that make up for those overwhelming moments, and well they are way more important than anything else.  Even after one week, I know my life will never be the same.  She is such a joy, such a light and such a little spirit.  And even while I am typing this she is sleeping next to me, and that lovely little spirit just farted and pooped... And I have to say that I even smile at that.  What has happened to me!?!  Oh and that list of things to do when I was not pregnant, not even a concern.  Have not had a glass of wine, or sushi or anything else that was on there.  But then again I have only left the house once... I am sure some day they will happen, but for now this is FAR MORE IMPORTANT!

This is the first time that I was able to lay eyes on her.  It was amazing... And I will never forget how warm her cheeks were.  Love at first sight!

What a proud daddy!  Paul was so happy to be able to cut the cord and then hold her.  He will forever have those first moments with her, and it means so much to me that he was there to be the one to hold her and love her.

And this is the first time that I was able to hold her.  When we were in the recovery room, I was too drugged out to be comfortable holding her, so I waited till we were our room.  It was the most amazing moment.  And looking at this photo, I felt as drugged out as I apparently looked.  Oh my!

Happy Birthday Olivia!  Only one week old and already running this family.  And we wouldn't have it any other way!