Day 5 - Not that I'm Counting or Anything

I am officially on Day 5 and lets just say it has not been super easy. 

Saturday was fine, mainly cause I had such an awful sinus infection that all I did was sleep all day, so not much thought spent on wanting a cocktail.  Then on Sunday it was going well till Paul wanted to eat at Canaletto, which is an amazing Italian restaurant in Newport, and we like to eat in the bar area.  We mainly eat in there because it is less crowded and they have these really nice tall tables, but also because it is the bar.  I like eating in the bar for two reasons, one because there is always tons to watch all around you and two, you can get a drink pretty quickly.  So in an effort to not be difficult and put Paul out during this process, we ate in the bar.  I thought I would be totally fine, but it bothered me.  I really like having a glass of wine there with my pizza or risotto and instead I got an Iced Tea.  I lived, but it was a little less fun than it was in the past.  At least it seemed that way then.

Monday was a work day and a work night.  By this I mean that when I work a full, stressful day at the sometimes lunatic, crazed place that I do, I like to have a glass of wine to unwind or forget that I work there.  But I did not.  And I lived through this as well.  But to be totally honest, I was in a crap mood and went to bed at like 8:30pm to feel less pathetic.

Tuesday was better and here we are on Wednesday.  I am fine.  Don't get me wrong I would have loved to have had a glass of wine with the tilapia dinner that I made, but I did not, I had Iced Tea.  By the way, Iced Tea is my new best friend.  I like soda occassionally and water is great, but lets be honest both of those can get old, so now I am drinking the Iced Tea like it is my job... Actually like it is wine. :0

So here we are on Day 5 and though I am somewhat consumed by this whole thing, I am sticking with it and just a few more weeks from now, I am going to be better than this... I am better than this!

New Year, New Me

Started the year with some very good intentions, but ended up starting it as I spent the last year, or the last few for that matter, with a lie.  I lied to someone about something totally lame, even silly and now that it is out there, the guilt has settled in and so has the remorse.  I don't know how it starts, but once it does there is no stopping it.  That being said, I have decided that my New Years Resolution is to work on me.  I am going to stop lying to others and especially to myself, about everything.  I am going to be honest and address the things in my life that are not in line with where I really need them to be, or want them to be.

To start, I have been denying that the drinking is a problem for longer than I can remember, which is a bad sign all on it's own.  I have been telling myself that I have complete control and that I know what I am doing and if I wanted to, I could stop... But I guess that I just did not want to.  I think that I like it, a lot.  I don't know if I have ever had a normal relationship with alcohol, but months turn into years and here I am with what could have been a casual relationship, but is now a marriage.  We live and breath one another and it has to stop.  I feel like I am numbing myself to my life and using it to handle my anxiety and my control issues, and there is nothing normal about that. 

So this is where I openly and publicly put myself on blast, so to speak.  I want to gain control over my drinking and work myself to a point where I can have a glass of wine or a beer when the occassion calls for it, not just because it is dinner and I feel that wine goes with all meals.  I hate that I can't just say no, blame it on my lack of control or whatever but I need to get this under control.  I want to have certain things and certain relationships in my life, and right now I am putting those things off because it is easier to drown it all out.

The year may not have started off as wonderful as I would have liked, but that is not going to stop it from getting better.  It won't be easy, if it was I would not be struggling with this whole issue at all... But it will be worth it.  I want to do so many other things with my nights and weekends and I know that cutting out the booze will get me there.  So here starts the detox/lifestyle change. 

If you read this and think to yourself "it's about time," know that I agree but right now I don't know that I want to hear it.  Get back to me on this in a couple of weeks when I am past the initial struggle of all of this.

Happy New Years to everyone!  And wish me luck, I know that I am going to need it!

Challenge

I decided today that I am in a food rut and I am really not okay with it.  In order to get out of this awful rut, I am going to challenge myself to try new recipes, that have been on the back burner for some time.  The challenge will be to try a new recipe, at least once a week and it must come from the many cookbooks that I have aquired but don't use as often as I should. I will post my meals and let you all, the four of you, know how it goes.

Tonight I am going to make Tuscan Fries from the Salt to Taste Cookbook that I purchased this weekend.

Wish me luck!

Dear Taylor

In honor of my girl Taylor Swifts new album, I am going to post a little shout out.  On her new album there is a song titled, Dear John, that I have to say is so honest, and strong, it always suprises me that she is so young.  I remember those times and that age and those boys, and this song pretty much covers it all.  There is such a strength to her voice, that I hope that girls or women out there everywhere look to her as a hero and an icon.  There will be this person in every womans life and to know that Taylor Swift called out one of the biggest "playboys" out there, is amazing!  You go girl!  To you, I say THANK YOU!  Thank you for your honesty and heart, no matter how hard it was to go through in the first place.

Dear John

Long were the nights when the days once revolved around you

Counting the footsteps, praying the floor wont fall through
Again
And my mother accused me of losing my mind
But I swore I was fine

You paint me a blue sky
And go back and turn it to rain
And I lived in your chess game but you changed the rules everyday
Wondering which version of you I might get on the phone
Tonight
Well I stopped picking up and this song is to let you know why

Dear john I see it all now that you're gone
Don't you think I was too young to be messed with
The girl in the dress cried the whole way home
Should have known
Well maybe it's me and my blind optimism to blame
Maybe it's you and you're sick need to give love and take it away
And you'll add my name to your long list of traitors who don't understand
And il look back and regret who I ignored when they said run as fast as you can

Dear john I see it all now that you're gone
Don't you think I was too young to be messed with
The girl in the dress, cried the whole way home

Dear john, I see it all now that was wrong
Don't you think nineteens too young to be played by your dark twisted games
When I loved you so
I should have known
You are an expert at sorry
And keeping lines blurry
Never impressed by me acing your tests
All the girls that you...
Who talk
Cause you burned them out
But I took your matches before fire could catch me
So don't look now
I'm shining like fireworks

Over your...

Dear john I see it all now that you're gone
Don't you think I was too young to be messed with
The girl in the dress, cried the whole way home

I see it all that you're gone
Don't you think I was too young to be messed with
The girl in the dress who wrote you a song
You should have known
You should have known



Don't you think I was too young
You should have known

To Paul

As we head off to Vegas to celebrate our second wedding anniversary, I just want to say thank you for the million little things that you do,every day to make me love you.  I thank you for being kind, understanding, caring, loving, smart, and above all, thank you for being you.  Without you, my life would be nothing...

THANK YOU!

A Weekend Away in Santa Barbara!

I realize that I am little behind, well maybe alot behind and I have much to report.  In the last month, we found a new apartment (more to come on that later), my sister got engaged (thankfully) and we celebrated a friends wedding in Santa Barbara.  It was great to see all the ladies that I spent so much time with and share so many fond memories, they are just the best group of women around.  It is so funny to me that after so many years that we can all come together and have such a great time, as if we never missed a beat. 

Anyways here are the photos from our FAB weekend away.

To New Beginnings...

Just a little shout out to my little Sister and her FIANCE!  Yeah I said it, Katie and Rodger are engaged.  I am so very happy for these two, they are wonderful to each other and for each other. 

Congrats to you both!