2015… When did that happen?!?

Yeah it's been like 4 months since I last blogged, but that's not so bad, right?  Oh well, I am back and going to attempt to be much better about this going forward.

So here is the year in review…

We had a strong Winter and Spring last year, till we hit the ridiculous month of May that handed us a flooded preschool and hand, foot and mouth disease… And ended with us toasting to having NO MORE KIDS.  It was a rough month, things were said that left us all wanting to be left alone.  But we made it through.  Oh and I did my first Whole 30 challenge, which was tough but super good.

Then summer brought us Cory and Corey's reception, our summer vacation and me gaining back all the weight that I had lost on the Whole 30.  A win for all.  Our vacation was actually a good time for us, even with a couple nights of me being super sick to start it off.  Went to San Diego, visited the zoo, hung out at the beach and then headed to Palm Springs for a couple nights, that we extended cause we were having so much fun.  We will definitely be doing that trip again this year.

And then the fall was rather uneventful, thank goodness.

And by the winter, I was back on the "we need to have a second kid" conversation, but sadly my partner thought that had been canned… I mean I can change my mind, right?  Maybe not.  I guess that one in still up in the air at this time.  We had a good Thanksgiving and even better Christmas.  Good to be able to be with family and friends, even if most of what we did was eat and drink too much… Making me ready for another Whole 30 in January.

And so here we are on January 1 of 2015 and I think I am excited about the year to come.  I turn 35 this year, and we have so much to look forward to.  Olivia is now 2 and a half and talking all the time, growing up so fast, we can't keep up.  She is a delight.  And though this life can be hard, it is amazing.  I am a very lucky woman with a lot of love around me.  And I plan on focusing on that this year.  No resolutions this year, just me working on the life that I have and enjoying the people around me.

Happy 2015 everyone… Or to the 3 people that actually ready this thing!

Good days… With some bad!

Having a toddler is like living with a gremlin at times.  Olivia is having some pretty rough moments, where there is just all out screaming and crying and no real desire to do anything other than that.  And then there are some really fantastic moments, where she is very caring and loving and wants to sit real close and watch movies.  So we are trying to live for those moments, and push through the less than fun ones.

This was last night.  Upset for God knows what reason… And this is sort of what we deal with most days.

Lots of selfies… Which are adorable when they are actually her face and not the ground.

Fun with Auntie and Uncle.  She really loves her some Katie and Rodger.  And has taken in some her more upset moments to crying out for one or the other.  Sweet and sad all at the same time.

Swimming.  My favorite thing.  Working on it being hers as well.  She does like the floaty so that is a win.  Now just need her to want to stay in the water for longer than 3 minutes.

And when all else fails, there are naps.  I have to remind myself that she is a little person that is doing a lot of growing, body, mind and soul.  And sometimes the world can be too much and you just want to cry and scream.  I know I would like to do that more often than not, so I guess I shouldn't blame her.

PS - Thank goodness we are going on vacation next week.  We need some down time without work and the usual stress.  Will be nice to turn off the electronics and just enjoy time together.

Switching it up a bit!

Decided that we needed to move some stuff around in Olivia's room.  I get like this.  I need to change things, but now that I live with someone I can't just start moving the whole house around, so I do it in small phases.  And for the most part, just cleaning my closet out or the kitchen will handle the need to rearrange the whole house.  But today, I moved around the furniture in Olivia's room, and I love it.

Not so sure that Paul is a fan, but change can be good… Whether you wanted it or not.

A Little Perspective

This somehow struck me as the perfect statement for how I have been feeling lately.  I get caught up on how things should be, how I wish that they were and all the little things in between.  I am not a perfect person, I have my faults and yet, I still have a hard time not calling them out in others.  I need to work on accepting people and situations for what they are, not what I wish that they were.


* Side note: I have actually blogged more than once in 3 months… Yeah for me.

Olivia is Two!

Olivia is now two!  Who said that could happen?  Well no matter, it did and it was a great birthday and an even more wonderful year.  

We decided that it would be better to keep it low key this year, forgo a party and just have a couple small gatherings with family, as time permits.  So on Friday, the fourth, we spent the morning celebrating just the three of us at home.  And it was totally fun.  We surprised Olivia with a little outside play house, that she loves.  It is so funny to see her going in and out of that thing, pretending that she is actually at home.  So adorable.

After nap time, we headed over to Aunt Katie and Uncle Rodger's house for a little Fourth of July celebrating.  We had a great time hanging out in the back yard, running through the slip and slide and playing in the pool.  And Olivia is so fond of both Rodger and Katie, that I am pretty sure we could have left and she would never have known… Especially if Kona is there.  Her first full sentenced happened at Katie and Rodger's.  They were playing in the play house and Olivia came over to Kona and told her "Kona, Come in there".  Love it… That kid definitely belongs to Paul and I.  After a great time of playing, eating and gifts we sat down for some cupcakes and Jeopardy (not sure how they mix) and she dove into her dessert.  

Saturday we heading to the Jump N Jamming at the Arcadia Mall and then lunch at The Cheescake Factory.  She may have been the smallest kid at the indoor gym, but that did not stop her at all.  She loved it.  And after a long morning, we headed home, saw Grandpa in the afternoon and then had a nice relaxing night at home.  Just what we, Mom and Dad, needed after a long couple of days.

And then on Sunday we went down to Murrieta to see Grandma Kathy and Uncle Rob, otherwise known as Uncle Awesome.  Olivia had a great time.  She loves seeing them, and says their names the whole way down there and home.  We are so super lucky to have such loving people in our lives.  Rob got her this super cool teepee, which she loves.  I sort of wish that I had one in my size to hide out in, or read or hide out in… 

All in all, I have to say that this was a good year.  Our baby is now a toddler and has such a strong personality and knows what she wants and when she wants it.  I love her more than I could ever imagine was possible and I welcome all the amazing times ahead.

Love you my little lady.  Happiest of birthdays to you!

 

Enough Already

Sometimes there is just way too much to take on at once.  It gets to a point where you feel like you only have two options: drown in all that is happening around you, or run.  I am picking the drowning option, mainly because I guess I really can't run away.  This last month seems to have been one thing after another.  The preschool had a flood, which left us with little options for where to send Olivia each day and inevitably she stayed home with either Paul, myself or her guardian angels, my mother and Peggy.   And what was supposed to be a couple weeks out, has turned into a month.  Then work went from 40 hours a week, plus to who knows what when a colleague gave notice and a portion of her job responsibilities became mine.  And I am not certain I can handle it.  Maybe under normal circumstances, I would welcome the challenge, but right now I feel like I am setting myself up for failure.

And now Olivia has hand, foot and mouth disease, which is really the worst name.  Just call it "The rash that takes over your entire body and makes you absolutely miserable" disease.  Cause that is what it is.  And I can't make it better for her.  All we can do is load her up on pain medication, which is Motrin and Tylenol, and give her lots of liquids.  I would be dying if I had what she had. The rash is all over and looks like it would itch me to death and the diaper rash is unsightly.  And all I want to do is make it better, but I can't.  And all she wants is her dad, which honestly hurts.  I know it shouldn't bother me, since she is a toddler and feels bad, but it does.  All that being said I have now cried more than I care to admit and am in serious need of some sleep, which won't be happening any time soon.

And I know that many people have it much harder than we do right now, and that makes me feel better and worse all at the same time.  I am very grateful that this is the worse thing to happen to Olivia thus far, but it makes it very clear to me that I am not so sure I could handle very much more.  How do people do it?  And why? I know that is harsh, but we only have one and I can't even imagine how we would handle more than that at this time.  Maybe that is just not who we are.  I don't know, or maybe this is the right fit for us.  Or maybe, just maybe I am going out of my mind because of lack of sleep, that I will totally forget all this in a month and be back on track once we are all better.

Lets hope its the latter.

Blogging… Blah!

I don't know why, but I am so not into this right now.  I know I should be, and I know that we have a lot going on to report, but somehow I cannot find it in me to sit and do it.  I blame Instagram and Facebook.  They are easy and quick ways to post a quick pic or mention something funny going on in our lives, and they require very little thought or direction.  Blogging on the other hand, well you know.

With that being said, I am working on doing this more.  Making it purposeful and adding a little more direction… Cause let's face it, my blog has ADHD.

Happy Easter to All!

PS - More to come, I promise this time.

If We're Being Honest

I have been avoiding this post for some time.  For the most part, I don't have an issue with honesty.  If anything I have an issue with being too honest, especially when it comes to other people… But isn't that the case for everyone.  We always see in others their faults, the things that they can fix and rarely understand why they have such a hard time seeing it themselves.  But then when it comes to oneself, look out if anyone dare mention that there might something I could work on.  They must be delusional or blind or out of their minds to think that I might have a problem with something, or could work to be a better version of myself.

But alas I can no longer hide from my faults.  And that is a good thing.  I am human, I make mistakes and I am trying to learn and grow from them.  And today I sit before you and tell you that I have a problem with drinking.  I am hesitant to say alcoholic, as you can imagine for all the reasons that one would like to avoid such a label.  I don't know that I am there yet.  I don't know that I would even admit if I was, but I do know that I do not want to be there.  I like to drink.  I like wine, beer, vodka, all of it really.  And I have a very hard time saying no when presented with an option to have a drink.  But I am owning that now.  I don't want to be someone that can't go without a drink.  I don't want to be someone that has one to deal with life or just because it is Tuesday night.

Admitting that I can't be drinking like I was drinking was the first step.  It was a hard one, but necessary.  I have been good about it the last month or so, but it has not been easy and I am by no means saying that I have not had a drink or two.  But I do feel like I am gaining control and for me that is biggie.  I did not have control before.  For now, I am good.  And if it starts to go in a bad direction again, I will re-access and see if maybe I can't have alcohol in my life at all.

I hope that I am on the right path.  I still have a hard time picturing what this all looks like a few years down the road, but I do know what I don't want it to look like and that is a start. I have good examples to guide me.  People who have been there and done that, and came out on the other side better for it.  I am lucky that I am starting in a place where this is still an option, not one where the choice is being made for me.  And if for no other reason, I have to do this for Olivia.  She can never know me as anything other than her loving, amazing mother.

Ahh... January. That time again!

I have to say that I find it rather ridiculous and entertaining that I had resolutions at all this year, and that one of them was to blog more... And here it is the 13th of January.  Ummm... Yeah I am already sucking it up at this year of resolutions.  Great!

Let's see.  I have a rather lengthy list of resolutions for 2014 and mainly cause I feel like in even years I kick way more ass than in the odd ones.  I don't know why that is, maybe I am partial cause all the good stuff happens then.  Born in 1980, all the summer Olympics happened in even years (they are my fav), elections happen in the even years, I graduated from High School in 1998, College in 2002, married in 2008 and met my fav person in the world in 2012.  I don't know why, but there is something comforting about the even years.  The odds are just, I guess, stacked against me.

And so I am here to declare my resolutions or promises for 2014.  I want to read more, which I am making strides at by starting a book club to help keep that one.  Mind you the club consists of my mom, my sister and my aunt, but hey it's a start no matter what.  And I am like 1/10th of a way through the Happiness Project and only two weeks away from having to be done, but it really is the thought that counts... Right?!?

My second resolution was to clear away the crap.  Now that was meant to be metaphorically and figuratively.  I have cleaned out all the clutter from this house.  All the old clothes, the old food and the old junk is out.  I don't use, so why have it around blocking me from thinking clearly.  And in some weird cosmic twist I dropped my phone, so I don't have access to all my old contacts, by choice mostly.  So if I want to contact someone, I have to wait till they contact me.  I chose not to bring over all the old stuff, to avoid well, all the old stuff.  Last year I let situations and people ruin more moments and memories than they really deserved and this year, I refuse.  This may sound harsh, but FUCK them.  I am not doing that crap anymore.  They don't deserve the time, nor the energy and at 33, almost 34, I am okay saying that.  I am going focus on me and the people that make this life worth it.  Out with the old, in with the new... Or amazingly consistent.

Workout more.  Well that is a given, and duh should be on this list... Especially is you just saw your pediatrician and she asked when you were due.  Ummm... Yeah that happened.

Be better.  However that falls, I just need to make sure that I am making the right choices for me and mine.  No more drama.  No more shit.  No more nonsense.

2014 you are my bitch.... Well except for how you broke my phone 9 hours in, but we're cool.

Happy New Year all!

Wow I can't believe that its been this long...

Not that I have not been busy or that there are not a ton of things to report, but I am still in shock that I have not blogged since July.  What in the world has happened to me you might ask... Well nothing really, and I guess everything.  July was a good month... Olivia's 1st Birthday, Pageant of the Masters, and a few good summer days enjoying our backyard and our new neighborhood.

August really did give us a whole lot, well that I can remember for that matter, but here are some pics from that month...

More or less the last few months have been a lot of Olivia growing and getting bigger every day.  I look back on some of the pictures and cannot believe how big she is getting and how fast this is all going... And yes I know I should have listened when every one warned me it would go by quickly, but that is only a lesson learned in time.  No one, and I mean no one can explain all the details of parenthood to you, it is only experience that is the true teacher.

Recently, as in the last two weeks, we moved Olivia into Day Care by the house.  It is a more formal day care and since it is near the house, the drive to work is a little less stressful on both of us.  But to say the transition has been smooth, would be a lie.  Olivia seems to be having a hard time with all of the change.  Tantrums are the new norm, starting with the morning change of the diaper to the end of the day rituals.  My once always happy baby is now a toddler with an attitude and I wish I knew what to do.  It was sort of funny in the beginning, but now its down right stressful.  And the worst part is that I have no idea what to do for her.  She just gets so frustrated all the time and no matter what we do, nothing seems to help.  I am sure it is just a phase, but right now it seems like it will never end... 

Besides the growing pains, we are good.  Paul and I just celebrated our 5 year anniversary and things are going well.  Team effort here in the Madore house is the only way I can say that we are staying afloat.  Lots of love and patience... And when all else fails, a good glass of wine will solve anything.

Hopefully this will be the first of many postings in the next few weeks.  Working on getting back on track.

Olivia Turned One

This little lady turned 1 and like my thank you notes, this post is about 3 weeks late.  Olivia was born on the 4th of July and so we had her party on that day as well.  Worked out great.  We had lunch at our new home, did cake and gifts and people were still able to attend any late night fun that they already had planned for the Fourth. 

 

We decided to keep it simple, ordered sandwiches from Corner Bakery, made some salads and had drinks.  Simple but good.  Everyone had a great time, hanging out with the birthday girl and checking out the new house. 

 

Here are a few shots from the party...

 

 

 

 

 

We are super grateful to have such wonderful people in our lives, who truly care about our little girl.  We could not be happier!

 

Today was a good day!

I woke up this morning and decided that I wanted to spend the day at home with Olivia.  Just a girls day, for lack of a better term.  I do not know why I decided today was that day or why I had not done this sooner, but it was a great day.  We ate breakfast together, then played for a while and ran errands, mostly just those that needed to be done some time ago for her birthday in two days.  And then she went down for a nap and I ate lunch and relaxed for a bit as well, and once she was up, it was play time again. 

At some point in the middle of this seemingly normal day, it occured to me that I was really happy.  Not just "this is a good day" happy,  but genuinely happy.  This was definitely a feeling that has been sort of foreign for a bit.  With all that was going on, mostly good, some really unfortunate moments have occurred.  In an attempt to be honest, to purge, to move forward, I am going to admit that I am not speaking to my dad.  A request was made, the understanding on his part was not there, and now we are taking some time to think things through.  I wish that I could say that I knew that this was going to be okay, but I don't.  Things have been said, lines have been drawn and over the last few weeks I have been left with an emptiness that I can only describe as loss.  It feels like a death has occurred and I have most definitely gone through the very sad stages of grief.  My dad and I will never be the same.  We may find a way back to one another, but the damage is done.  I have decided to allow this to be okay, mainly because I have to.  I can no longer be the person that lets someone walk all over them.  I can not continue down this path anymore.  It is dark and with no end in sight.  I won't allow him to do that to me or to my life.  And once I freed myself of this; the weight lifted.  I felt myself come back, was able to breathe life again.

So I choose to be happy.  And today I actually felt that emotion, not just thought it.  And it felt really good.  I needed it more than I ever knew.  I have been walking in some sort of haze and now I feel like I am alive again.  I am hopefull that this is the beginning of great things.  Of moving on.  Of letting go... Of forgiving.  And though I know my dad has done something untolerable, cruel even, I forgive.  For that is my only option.  I can't carry this with me anymore, I don't want to, don't need to.  I can only hope that this is not the end.  Only time will tell, but if today tells me anything, it is possible.


“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.”

― Ann Landers

And away we go!

Tomorrow we are going to do the walk thru of our house.  I am not sure where the time went, but it really feels like it was only a few weeks ago that we put down the deposit on this place.  It was so far off that I don't think I really let myself register that the day would come that we would be doing the walk thru and then closing and getting the keys to our first home.  It so exciting and scary at the same time.  This will be the second largest purchase that Paul and I have done together, since being married, the first being the CR-V.  It's strange that it took all this time to get to this place, yet I feel like we are super rushed all of a sudden.  Like I said, scary times.  But good as well.

I know how lucky I am and this whole process reminds me of just that.  I have a great husband, who has managed amongst all the millions of things he has to do to organize and plan this whole move.  I mean it when I say, I have done so very little.  I more or less show up.  I know that I have made decisions, like which fabric to get on the couch or the rugs that we need, but he has done most of the heavy lifting.  I am very lucky. 

And though it's easy to see all that is going well, it's hard to block out the little things that make things just a little harder.  I am nervous about the move, how it will affect Olivia and Moe and the adjustment period that comes with change, something that will affect all of us in one way or another.  I know it will take time to call this new place home and not come back to what has been our home for so many years.  I will miss this place, and I am not quite ready to walk away from the place that we brought Olivia home to.  It will be hard to say goodbye.  I am also stressed about the drive to and from work, which now is like 12 miles but will soon become 35.  What is funny to me is that I have been totally aware of this change for some time, but it did not register fully till I tell someone where we are moving and see there reaction.  "So are you still planning on working here?"  "That's quite a drive."  Thanks everyone for the confidence... Totally helping with my anxiety about the move!

And then there are the tons of little things that just happen to be going on that manage to overwhelm me at any given moment.  Life tends to that at times.  Usually when you least want it to.  But I am getting better at handling it with each passing year. 

Aside from all that, in 48 hours we are going to own a home.  It has been years in the making and I am very excited.

Housing Develoments

As I mentioned previously, we bought a house.  It has been one of the more exciting things to happen in some time, but it has been easy to forget at times because of Olivia.  If this had happened before her I would be spending night and day obsessing over what we were going to and when we were going to move in, but there is no time for that.. And that might be a good thing.  It allows me to just live in the moment.  And I sort of like that. 

We have been fortunate enough to be able to watch the progress of our house being built.  Not something I thought that I would ever be able to do.  It's such a neat thing to say we are, well someone is, building our house.  I sort of feel special that this is ours, no ones but ours.  So cool.

Here are a few shots of the progress... Closing is slated for May 30th, and I cannot wait!

Oh she is a growing...

Not that you would have any idea based on my blog, but Olivia is now 9 MONTHS OLD!  She is getting so big and moving so much and is such a little person now, with her own way.  I love her so much. She is so fun to be around and watch her discover new things and figure out her way in and out of stuff.  She now has 4 teeth and is starting to try real foods: bread, fruit, cereal and little snacks.  There have been some mishaps, like tossing up an entire bottle of formula on me at lunch on Friday after chocking on some pizza crust.  I guess you can say we are both learning.

Something's Missing

Well it's official, I AM OLD.  Well 33 to be exact but at this point I don't really want to bother with counting.  I miss being excited about birthdays, turning a year older, celebrating with everyone.  And though I did have a great time celebrating with the fam bam on Saturday night, I more or less think of it as just a great night out rather than a birthday celebration.  It's wierd this getting older thing.  It comes with a ton of wonderful memories and a sense of peace with who I am at this point in my life, but it's also sort of sad.  This is the first year that I did not have a grandmother to call me on my birthday.  And though it was never that big a deal in the past, it was this huge hole in my day this year.  I missed the chat about being another year older and not spending my $40 check all in one place... It really is the little things.  I want to say that no one warns you about that, but we all know that is not true.  It's people say, yet you don't truly understand the meaning till it affects you personally.  I can honestly say this was the second birthday in a row that did not feel as celebratory as it has in the past.  But I am hopeful for next year... Really that is the only way to think about it.

So here's to another year... May it treat me well!

Excuses

Wow it's been a long time since I sat down on my laptop, and even longer since I actually blogged.  Part of the problem, is that I usually do all my nonsense online stuff on my iPhone or my iPad now.  And it makes it sort of hard to blog from that silly keyboard.  But since I needed to get on this thing for work stuff, I figured I would update the world on our life.

Olivia is going to be 8 months old tomorrow.  Where does the time go?  I still can't believe that she is crawling and pulling up on things and more or less standing with help.  She sleeps through the night now and when she does wake up in the middle of the night, it is such a rare occurrence that I feel sort of annoyed.  How sad is that?!?  Working on my patience is an ongoing process.  At day care Olivia has now moved out of the swing for naps and into the pack and play.  Such a big girl.  She is eating veggies and fruits and loves it all.  She really is such a good baby, we did well.

Paul is doing well.  Work is crazy, but he is slated to get a promotion to VP in June/July, so we are really excited about that.

Work for me is nuts.  In the span of a month three of my closest coworkers have left, the latest only resigning on Friday.  It's been a roller coaster of a ride, but so far I am hanging on.  Not sure how this will all work out, but I guess I am going to just enjoy the ride.

But the best thing that has happened in the last month, we bought a house!  It's in Chino and it has 4 bedrooms and three and a half bathrooms.  It is 2700 square feet and has a really good feel throughout. It is still being built and we have a projected close date of May 24th.  I cannot wait!!!!  This will be our home, our first one at that!

So yeah that is what is going on with us... Pictures to follow!

This girl is getting old...

And I am doing a terrible job of posting anything to do with her or our life.  BUT I am back, if not for a fleeting moment.  As you can see Olivia turned 5 months and then a month later... 6 MONTHS!!!!

And now you are caught up... Well for a moment that is!  Oh and Olivia is now crawling and sitting up.  And she is eating cereal and peas.  One week at a time we are getting that girl set on her veggies... So far so good, cause she LOVES her peas!  Who knew!?!